SportsLine.com  The Big Blue House
2003

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League News
  
Al Gore Celebrating his Victory

 
GORE WINS OFFICE!
In a surprise decision, the Supreme Court of the United States voted unanimously to name Al Gore to the position of Commissioner of the Big Blue House. "Man, that guy can be annoying," stated Chief Justice Rehnquist. "And persistant!" added Justice Scalia. "We had to name him to something or he would have just kept appealing, and we just have better things to do." Gore himself was pleased with the decision, saying it's one that should have come 3 years ago; although he did qualify his satisfaction: "The position itself comes as somewhat of a surprise. I truly thought I was running for President of the United States, not Commissioner of the Big Blue House. No wonder everyone got so confused down in Florida. Well, I'll take whatever I can get!" Gore mentioned his vast experience with football--having managed and quarterbacked a team to the playoffs last year, "not to mention the fact that I invented the game of football while taking a break from inventing the internet as a Rhodes Scholar at Harvard." Gore emphatically denied he was thinking of expanding the league to 15 teams to reward the many Buddhist monks who supported him. . . "unless I change my mind."



 
  
Moonlighting Justices

 
HOW DID HE GET THE JOB?
The announcement that Al Gore has been named as Commissioner of the Big Blue House fantasy football league by the Supreme Court of the United States came as a shock to many observers. They are remembering last season when Mr. Gore took the Big Blue House league secretary to court over the officiating crew assigned to the RacHuskie-Weasel game. It seems some of the justices moonlight as BBHL officials and Mr. Gore took umbrage with their assignment. He had just been activated by the RacHuskies and felt that Justices Thomas, Scalia, Rehnquist, O’Connor and Kennedy could not officiate the game in an unbiased manner. The dispute was appealed, in Mr. Gore’s word’s, all the way “to the highest court in the land, the Florida Supreme Court.” By the time it reached them the game had been played. So the Florida Supremes determined to examine the officiating after the fact. At last report they were still trying to find some improper conduct by the US Supremes in their officiating duties. They have stated that the end zone markings were confusing and could have caused some players to unintentionally score points for a team not of their choice. Therefore, they have ordered the official scorer to form a committee, including observers from each team, to recount every score to insure that the intent of the scoring person was properly counted. They have declared the game results invalid until that recount is delivered to them for verification. It doesn’t seem to bother them that the season is long over and the champion has been crowned, nor that the outcome of that particular game had no real effect on the final outcome of the season. With this history of antagonism, the decision by the US Supremes was surprising, since this now gives Mr. Gore power over which officiating crews will be used. Which could mean the crew with the Justices on it could be waiting a long time for an assignment. The head of the team, Katherine Harris, was approached about this possibility. She stated that it was not a problem since the team had disbanded. With the formation of the US Geheime Staatpolizei, the Justices felt they would be too busy defending The Constitution to have time to officiate in the BBHL. And, as Justice Scalia stated, “We had to appoint him to something or he would have just kept appealing, and we just have better things to do.”

 
  
An Emotional Maginot After the News

 
WEASELS FIRE COACH
In more of the sweeping personal changes being seen in the BBH, the Weasels today announced the termination of Defensive coodinator Henri Maginot. "We just missed the playoffs last year," said a spokesman for the owner, "and our primary area of weakness was our defense. For some reason, Coach Maginot absolutely refused to blitz; for that reason among others his contract is considered to be forfeit." Maginot himself made no comment beyond "Mon Dieu!" and "Boche swine!" while weeping profusely, singing the 'Marseille' quietly to himself, and drinking endless cups of cheap red wine. While not confirmed, it is believed the former Weasel does have a job working for the American government's 'star wars' program.

 
  
Carl Spackler. Burning the Field. Controlling the burn.

 
SPIDERS BURN FIELD
In what looks to be a questionable start for the Spiders, their groundskeeper has completely burned their field just weeks before they host their opening game. The Spiders owner, Ms. Widow, was flabbergasted this morning when she arrived at the field to find it completely black. Apparently Carl Spackler, formerly the greens keeper for the Bushwood Country Club, felt he had plenty of time to regrow the field with a grass hybrid of his own invention.
When asked to comment, Carl replied, “This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play [four quarters] on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.” He sees no reason that his new hybrid won’t be well established in time for the season opener.
Ms. Black has some major concerns and has been investigating artificial turf options on such a short timeline. “I really hate forcing the players to risk additional injuries by installing turf, so I am putting my faith in Carl. He assures me the field will be ready. It’s that are rocks and mud. I also want it know that this team does NOT support the use of drugs for recreational purposes. We only endorse doctor prescribed medications to help players regain strength and speed after injuries. I, uh, mean for health reasons.”
Further investigation into Carl Spackler’s background shows him to be a few cards shy of a full house. Interviews with current and former members of Bushwood told of a delusion man determined to rid the golf course in any way he could. He is quoted as saying, “I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.” In the end, Carl blew up a majority of the golf club and was subsequently fired.
Ms. Black was asked about the questionable history of Mr. Spackler. “He came highly recommended to me by Mr. Ty Webb. He didn’t mention anything of that incident and I will be having my own security people investigate the allegations against my groundskeeper. I will be asking Ty, I mean Mr. Webb, on our next date . . . er meeting. However, our current focus is on the August 27th draft and the season opener.”
The unusual happenings at The Spiders organization certainly will have people speculating about the future of this expansion team. Are they crazy or crazy like a fox? Only time will tell.

 
  
Kim "Al Davis" Jong Il

 
Commies' New Coach
The secretive Commies stunned the football world today, by announcing the firing of Head Coach Vladimir Putin and the hiring of new Head Coach Kim Jong Il (pronounced "ill"). "While we admire and respect Coach Putin, he had become more socialist than communist in his approach to the game,' said Alexander Tass, team spokesman. "We wanted a true communist to head our team and there are not many left who still coach that old school style of play." Kim Jong Il had been in multilateral discussions with at least five other teams (South Korea, Russia, China, the U.S. and Japan) but the Commies won out after giving Kim both the head coach job and the title of "supreme, beloved and divine ruler" of the team. Kim is well known for his defense which has not given up a single yard of territory in over 30 years. However, he recently announced the development of new offense which he calls the "nuclear missile". "My idol Al Davis likes the verticle game with lots of long bombs, well, I want to do him one better with an intercontinental game using nuclear tipped missiles," said a beaming Kim who now sports an Al Davis hairdoo and glasses. Da Svedanya, the Commies.

 


 
Maginot Rehired
In a surprising announcement today the owner of the Weasels, Thud Bear, announced that he was rehiring Andre’ Maginot. Bear said he will give Maginot one more year to prove himself as a capable defensive coordinator. It will be remembered that the Weasel defense did not score a point in either of their last two games. In their final season game with the Dragons it cost them the game and a place in the playoffs. But possibly more telling was the fact they didn’t score against an empty stadium in their post-season game, while the offense was scoring 160 points. Thud stated that he had conferred with Maginot after his firing and felt that for a dead Frenchman he was picking up the nuances of American football quite rapidly. Maginot had learned that a thin highly fortified defensive system was not the best for this game and was moving toward a flexible defense in depth. Mr. Bear also let Maginot know that he was conferring with several other well-known defensive experts to give the Frenchman incentive to improve his system. When ask to name these experts, Thud stated, “I have had interesting conversations with generals Wainwright and Custer and colonels Travis, Bowie and Crocket. All of whom have backgrounds in defensive tactics.” When it was pointed out that all of these “experts” except Wainwright had been overrun and killed during their defensive operation and that Wainwright had surrendered, Thud stated, “Maginot doesn’t know that and it got his attention.” In answer to whether or not his plan to build the team’s self-esteem by scheduling their last game with no opponent had worked, he stated, “It would have, but that new commissioner, Al what’s-his-name, has decided that we will have to start from scratch with a total draft. Which makes it doubtful that any of the players that benefited from that game will be back on the Weasels. All this to be sure that the new owners aren’t treated unfairly. It’s not like I wanted to protect all my players. I only wanted to protect 3. That’s what happens when you let those PC people run things.”

 
  
Thud Bear in Courteous Custody

 
WEASELS REPRIMANDED
Thud Bear, owner and manager of the Weasels, was politely reprimanded today by Commissioner Gore for exceeding the clearly designated boundaries contained in paragraph 9, subsection 12c, addendum 1,376r of the League image download code. "What we have here," glowered the Commissioner, "is a failure to communicate." Commissioner Gore then stated that Mr. Bear had had his overzealousness pointed out before, but that if the owner couldn't control his antisocial photoshop impulses, the League would. Mr. Bear himself later appeared on television with the Reverend Al Sharpton to plead with his fellow owners: "Can't we all just get along?"

 
  
Watch for these hunks on the sidelines

 
"Dream Team" Cheers
Ms. Widow, owner of The Spiders expansion team, has been busy hiring her coaches and staff in time for the upcoming draft. Ms. Widow’s first choice for the position of Defensive Coordinator was OJ Simpson’s “Dream Team” of defense attorneys. In an unusual move, however, Ms. Widow has decided instead to hire these “Dream Team” hunks as the Spider’s cheerleading squad.
When asked to comment, Ms. Widow replied, “I made this move for several reasons. I was concerned about infighting amongst the group to see who could get the most publicity. I saw that as a real threat to the effectiveness of the Spider Defense. As the only female owner in the league I also thought it was worthwhile to attract more female viewership to the game. Sideline entertainment has always consisted of scantily clad women bouncing their bodies around for the male fans. I just thought a male squad would provide some entertainment for the women in the stands.”
Rumors abound that OJ himself might be making a few guest appearances with the squad. Christopher Darden and Mark Furhman adamantly deny any interest in joining the squad either permanently or as special guests. Brian “Kato” Kaelin has been calling Ms. Widow several times a day attempting to get a tryout for the squad, but his calls have not been returned.
“We feel his membership on the squad would degrade the integrity and appeal of the Dream Team,” was Ms. Widow’s only comment regarding Mr. Kaelin. And so the search for the coaching staff continues, but the fans are guaranteed great sideline and halftime shows when the Dream Cheering Team members strut their legal stuff.

 
  
Gore Models New Referee Uniforms

 
BIG BLUE BEGINS?
The League was stunned today as Kim Jong Il, coach of last year's Big Blue Bowl champions, the Commies, refused to surrender the Tutter trophy to Commissioner Al Gore at today's opening ceremonies. The handover of the trophy marks the beginning of the new football season in the Big Blue House, and many owners and coaches were appalled at Kim's disregard for tradition. At first, Kim and his team denied they had the trophy at all, and condemned the "fascist bougeois swine" who "accused the Commies of expending any energies on offensive football strategies in the previous year." Then, admitting they did in fact have the trophy, the Coach assured the other teams that it was actually a "very small defensive trophy"--adding that: "It's not so much we won't give it back to you running dogs of capitalist imperialism, as we don't think you'd really want it back in its present much more utilitarian--and somewhat more destructive--form." Kim continued by assuring the League that he was "not making any threats" but that he was "just a bit concerned" about his team's position in the draft list this year. Commissioner Gore insisted on the return or dismantling of the trophy under League supervision and demanded an end to the Commies attempts to duplicate the trophy at their Yongbyon practice facility, repeating the phrase "Bring it on!" over and over until dragged away by his assistants.

 
  
Gore Attempts to Calm the Owners

 
GORE RECALLED!
In yet another preseason surprise, team owners in the Big Blue House unanimously voted to activate article XXIII of the League constitution and recall Commissioner Al Gore. "His mishandling of the Tutter Trophy controversy and his complete bungling of the draft has led us to question his competence, if not his sanity," stated Thud Bear, owner of the Weasels. "Dear Heavens, I ended up with 5 kickers!!!" appended an unnamed Purple Sauropod. "I know I love you and you love me and all that, but he has to go!" "Aye Caramba, Eat my shorts, Al!" shouted another copywritten character associated with the Bunions. Gore's only comment was: "the US Supreme Court has given me this elected office and I do not intend to let the citizens derail the democratic process with anything so demeaning as an actual vote!" Arnold Schwarzenegger expressed some interest in the position, but refused to give any specific details. "Personally, I believe we need to be looking at the resumes of former child actors and porn stars," said Commies' Coach Kim Jong Il. "Particularly the porn stars."

 
  
Slimed down to the required 15 players and the few coaches and specialist the Buffs show one of their formations off the field. A view of the location where the Buffs will call home for the 2003/04 s

 
BUFFS BANISHED!!
The Buffs where banished by an unknown person who said their attempt to “corner the market” on kickers was unfair to the rest of the league. Once notified Coach Barbie moved the team to an undisclosed location for the remainder of the season. He stated, “We do not want anyone knowing who we have or what kind of formations we will use during the season. I think the other team will be lucky if they see us on the field when it comes to a game because, by darn, they will see how we play and that just can’t happen.” When asked if they can still win the game if you don’t show up he replied, “we will win with a shock and awe campaign and make them believe we came and beat them so bad they won’t realize we never showed up.” As for the location they have disappeared to all that has been said about it was that it is a run down mountain villa with no running water and a lot of snow. There is also rumor that the location is where a new weapon could easily be used as a first strike on their first opponent the Commies. As for the large number of members in the team photo all that can be surmised is that a large number of specialized trainers have accompanied the 15-player team on the trip and they are under the salary cap kinda.

 
  
The New Commissioner Greets the League

 
NEW COMMISSIONER!
Turned down by Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lou Ferrigno, Hans and Franz, Gary Coleman, and porn star Mary Carey, the Big Blue House today turned to the proven leadership abilities and negotiating skills of famed television actor Mr. T. Questioned about Al Gore's refusal to vacate the Commissioner's office until the outcome of his appeal to the United States Supreme Court, Mr. T commented that he "pitied the fool." He then defined his future expectations of the league and his determination to 'stop all them suckas' jibba jabba!"

 
 
Kim "Al Davis" Jong Il with new Commie Cheerleader watch recent preseason game.

 
Rules Do Not Apply!
Commie coach Kim Jong Il announced yesterday that the rules do not apply to him or his team. During lengthy closed door meetings with other team owners and the new commissioner, Kim abruptly left the room and told shocked reporters that the Commies would play by their own rules. "I didn't make these silly rules and I didn't authorize anyone else to do so. For that reason, I and my team are not bound by these rules. If we want 5 downs or simply want to keep the ball until we score, we shall do so. If we want 100 points for a touchdown, we shall have it. Anyone who disagrees will be considered an enemy of the state and dealt with accordingly. The use of terrorism by our team cannot be ruled out unless the league concedes victory to us now." Mr. T responded by saying that he needed more time to study Il's remarks before he could stake out the league's formal position. He went on to say, however, that he did not see Il's position as a threat to the start of the regular season or a threat to the league as a whole. He suggested that the league may consider building a nuclear power plant for the Commies as a league gesture of good will, but denied any link to Il's latest remarks.

 
  
Attorneys Advance in Yongban

 
LAW!
Saying he had no other reasonable option, Big Blue House League Commissioner Mr. T today launched all-out litgation against the Commies and their coach, Kim Jong Il. "Coach Kim and his team have flagrantly flaunted the rules and regulations of our league!" declared Mr. T, insisting that he had irrefutable proof of Kim's possession of WRMD (Wide Recievers of Mass Destruction) in the form of fuzzy polaroids, a map with circles and arrows pointing to the word 'evil' on it, as well as several offensive fortune cookies. "I have tried many times to get the League Council to pass a resolution condemning Kim and authorizing the use of lawsuits, but have always been blocked by their constant harping on 'letting the referees do their job'--particularly that impudent Frenchman Maginot! Well, no more! The decent Lombardi-fearing teams in this League have waited long enough! We will not tolerate trophy-stealing; we will not tolerate kicker-hoarding; we will not tolerate bad image posting; we will not tolerate nephews with broken limbs! We are determined to remove the wicked coaching regime of Kim Jong Il, and we will put the other teams in the 'Axis of Evil Football' division on notice!" The Big Blue House has sent several prominent veteran law firms with experience in the first Gulf Appeal into the fray as well as calling up the paralegal reserves. "We will use all necessary supoenas," stated an officer in Company B, 1st Battalion of the Keesal, Young & Logan Armored Tort Division. "Several of our units have already fought off a motion to dismiss and a difficult stipulation regarding discovery procedure which required an extensive sidebar conference and a change of shirts--but morale remains high." Even without League Council support, several other teams have also sent attorneys into action, including a number of Pronto's summer clerks and the entire cheerleading squad from the Spiders. A spokesman for the Axis of Evil Football Division is reported to have said that he is both appropriately "shocked" and reasonably "awed".

 
  
Ms. Widow and Vinny Bag-a-Doughnuts during contract negotiations. Clockwise from top, Jack McCoy, Gil Grissom and team, Tutter Family Reunion

 
MORE LAW!!
At the recent Tutter Family Reunion, discussion of the appalling behavior of Commies coach, Kim Jong Il, prompted family members to support additional litigation.
“The Commies are degrading the meaning of the Tutter trophy as well as the family name with this behavior. We are outraged that Coach Il would use an icon of sports and goodwill to further his own political cause. The Tutter family name and The Big Blue House are being tarnished by this behavior,” a Tutter family spokesman is quoted as saying during heated family discussions. The family decided to contact close family friend and Spiders owner, Ms. Widow, requesting she offer additional attorneys to the front lines and side bars of this conflict.
In response, Ms. Widow has offered her newly named offensive and defensive coordinators to the League Commissioner. Offensive Coordinator, Jack McCoy of the New York District Attorney’s Office will provide unconventional offensive strategies, particularly in the areas of witness preparation and appeals logic. Defensive Coordinator, Vinny Bag-a-doughnuts (a.k.a Jerry Callow a.k.a Jerry Gallow), provides an offbeat style of cross-examination and down to earth discovery methodology. Ms. Widow expects the addition of these experts will result in a speedy resolution to this whole nasty business.
“I’m proud to support our Commissioner and offer whatever resources I can. I just hope this will not distract my coaches from the business at hand of playing the game. Although, a losing season is worth the sacrifice for the greater cause,” proclaimed Ms. Widow at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “If additional inspectors are needed to uncover these WRMD (wide receivers of mass destruction) I have also volunteered the services of my special teams coach, Gil Grissom, and his assistants of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. As the litigation progresses we will see if their talents are needed to prove the necessity of the commissioners decision to proceed without League Council approval. We feel sure this won’t be necessary in the end.”
The Tutter family is grateful for the additional support of this operation and is looking forward to the season as the first games are already underway.

 
  
Commemorative First Game Victory Posters Available Now at www.Iliscoolert hanaldavis.com

 
Commies Victorious
Over 5 million North Koreans spontaneously celebrated the Commies season opening victory on Sunday in Pyongyang. The unorganized and completely spontaneous celebration started at precisely 8:00 p.m. local time and continued into the night until 11:15 p.m. The celebration included an hour long, yet competely unplanned, military parade with tanks, rockets and goose stepping soldiers with rifles. It also included the waiving of what appeared to be spontaneously made off-set printed posters showing a Commie soldier smashing the U.S. Capital. "This unplanned and completely spontaneous outpouring of jubilation at the Commies victory over the Buffs comes as a complete surprise to me and to the team," said Kim Jong Il on the jumbotron hastily set up in Kim Jong Il Square. "If only you could all infiltrate the U.S. and sit in the stands at our home games, we would be invincible," said Il. "First the Buffs, then the league, then the world!" finished Il as the crowd broke into spontaneous song.

 


 
Weasels Sue Commish
At a press conference in his office today Weasels owner, Thud Bear, announced that he was hiring the renowned attorney Perry Mason to handle his lawsuit against Big Blue League commissioner Mr. T. Mr. Bear is seeking damages for defamation of character, mental cruelty and overacting. With attorney Mason looking over his shoulder, Thud accused Mr. T of grossly exaggerating his (Thud’s) transgressions and by association labeling him as part of the “Axis of Evil”. Thud stated that he had always been a staunch supporter of truth, justice and the American way. And that, although he happen to be in a division with the evil Commies, that in no way made him a member of the Axis of Evil. In fact he had ask former commissioner Gore to put him in a different division that did not include the Commies. Mr. Mason injected at this point that the suit may be expanded to include Ex-commissioner Gore for that reason. The Weasel owner said that his only run-ins with the league concerned his graphics department and their proclivity to make the pictures associated with news release too big. He said that that problem has been solved according to the head of the graphics department, Bill Gates – shown in a picture with the members of the department. Thud said he had complete confidence in Bill. Even though he appears rather young, Gates has an incredible grasp of software and has gathered a very talented team together. As an aside, Thud said that Gates and his people warranted watching. If they formed their own company, which they had threatened to do, he would seriously consider investing in it. Although he didn’t care for the proposed name, Apple. “What in the world does an apple have to do with computers?” He felt something indicating the software connection like Megasoft would be better. Getting back to the litigation, Thud said he had been in touch with the owners of the Dragons and Buffs and they were considering joining in the lawsuit. He stated that he had also been in contact with Ms. Widow and had offered the services of Mr. Mason in the attempt to retrieve the Tutter Trophy.

 
  
Arnold and Commissioner T discuss the smooth transition of the Commissioner's duties from Mr. T to Arnold after recall results were announced

 
Arnold Recalls T!!!!
Mr. T was recalled as Commissioner by league owners on Thursday night, and Arnold was announced as the new Commissioner after receiving a plurality of the vote. Mr. T took the vote in stride admitting that he thought Arnold was, in fact, a better man. "While I pity most fools, I gotta admit I like Arnold's movie and TV show better than mine. He's truly a star. Anyway, his head looks more like a football than mine for whatever that's worth." While Arnold did not have any specific plans to change the league, he announced the formation of a blue ribbon committe to study the game and propose real solutions for the real problems that really, really face the league, like the threat of the red menace and the missing Tutter Trophy. Speculation is high that Professor Utonium and Rush Limbaugh may be named to co-chair the blue ribbon committee. Stay Tuned, because Arnold will be baaaaaaack

 
  


 
Weasels Name Patton
In the second announcement in as many days, Thud Bear owner of the Weasels, has confirmed rumors that he has hired a new offensive coordinator. General George Patton has been named to take over that position from Smokey the Bear. Mr. Bear (Thud) explained his decision by stating, “Since we are playing the Commies this Sunday I felt it was necessary to give my team the best chance against their militaristic method of play. General Patton has proven himself many times as one of the truly great offensive minds of the last century.” Thud further stated that he felt his defensive coordinator, Andre’ Maginot, had the requisite credentials to stop the type of offense the Commie’s coach was likely to use. He also assured the press that this was not a reflection on Smokey’s capabilities. In fact the decision was made based on his particular abilities. With all the litigation and name calling around the league it became apparent that Bear needed someone on his staff to handle all the brush fires. Smokey’s background made him a perfect fit for that job. Smokey’s only previous experience was with the Forest Service and had nothing to do with football. When the Forest Service let him go, it was rumored that he had been hired by the Weasels only because he was Thud Bears cousin. Thud had always denied that and pointed to the outstanding record Smokey had achieved, particularly the record setting 160-point game last year. During a later interview, General Patton was asked about his infamous encounter with an injured player. He replied, “Godd*mnit, I'm not running for the Shah of Persia. There are no practice games in life. It's eat or be eaten, kill or be killed. I want my bunch to be in there first, to be the 'fustest with the mostest'. They won't do it if I ask them nicely." When asked for his opinion of the Commie’s Coach, Patton relied in his usual subdued manner, “Tin soldier politicians in Washington have allowed us to kick the Hell out of one b*stard and at the same time forced us to help establish a second one as evil or more evil than the first...This time we'll need almighty God's constant help if we're to live in the same world with Kim Jong ll and his murdering cutthroats." Following the Patton interview Thud announced that after the last news release failed the size test he was firing Bill Gates and the entire graphics department. He said he had hired two young programmers as replacements, Steven Jobs and Steven Wozniak. They seemed to have a better understanding of user friendly interfaces and graphics.

 
New Lineup Wants to Take Game More Seriously

 
HUSKIES MAKE CHANGES
Having lost another game in spite of scoring more points than most other teams in the League, the new Huskies management team of Bozo, McDonald, and Clarabelle announced a completely revised lineup on offense, defense, and coaching designed to completely revamp the team's game strategy and restore the players' drive to win. A member of the new team stated: "We feel this is a much more dedicated group who will bring more concentration and focus to the game--we're actually hoping to see some players score in the positive numbers at some point, and in the future, maybe two three seasons down the road, to begin to think of scoring in double digits. But we don't want to jinx ourselves."

 
  
"Death Row" Cheerleaders Hired to Motivate DST & Receivers

 
WR on Strike
Ms. Widow, owner of the spiders, called a press conference today to concede victory to the Nicksters, even though the score is not yet final. Ms. Widow opened her remarks by congratulating the Nicksters on a good game and a promise to be better prepared for their next meeting. She went to explain that she was having difficulty with her defense, special teams and certain members of her receiving corps.
“Since I decided to hire male cheerleaders, my DST and certain wide receivers have decided not to put forth their best efforts. In some cases they have put forth no effort at all. In hopes of rectifying this hole in the team I have decided to add Billy Flynn to my Defensive coaching staff. My Cousin Vinny has had to spend and extensive amount of his time and energy on the litigation against the Commies. Back up coaching for the team is now necessary. I have also hired a group of women to enhance are cheerleading squad. The size of the squad will vary depending on who’s been acquitted and who is awaiting their death sentence as all the women are currently being housed at a correctional facility for murder. The Death Row Dames put on quite a show and I’m hoping this will provide some motivation for the team. Finally, the players on this team are going to be evaluated on performance and released if they show they lack the drive or talent to hold their spot on the team. There are plenty of free agents out there who would love a chance.” Ms. Widow concluded her press conference by introducing the newest members of the Spiders organization.
After winning their home opener, but suffering some mild injuries, Spiders fans were disappointed by the team’s performance in week 2. They are hoping the changes will be positive and the team will move forward to a winning season.

 
Weasel Fans Demonstrate

 
Weasel Fans Cheer
In a display of support for their football team the people of Weasel Town held a TRULY spontaneous rally after the Weasels defeated the evil Commies in their first meeting of the year. Waving banners printed with “We’re number one” and “Down with the Commies” the fans peacefully marched through town from wherever they happen to be when they heard the news of the victory. They eventually gathered at YGBSM stadium, the home of the Weasels. There they cheered as Thud Bear, the Weasel owner, introduced each player. He also had each of the coaching staff say a few words. An indication of how strongly the gathered fans felt about their team and its success was the uproarious response Andre’ Maginot’s speech receive considering it was in French and very few, if any, of those listening understood it. But by far the biggest response was for General Patton’s words. In his usual rabble rousing manner he received great ovations for words such as; "Americans play to win at all times. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Americans have never lost nor will ever lose a war." and "A good plan violently executed right now is far better than a perfect plan executed next week." Later, when asked about his coaching techniques he stated; “Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.” One of the local deputies, Barney Fife, estimated the turnout at approximately 250,000,000. When asked how he came up with that figure he said, “Us professional lawmen are trained to do that. It’s not something everyone can do.”

 
  
Coach Kim Jong Ill lost his mind over the weekend as evidenced by the silly symbol next to his head in this exclusive photo.

 
Il Ill
Although the Commies continue to deny the story, informed sources have told the Big Blue House that Kim Jong Il is ill. "Our sources tell us that Kim Jong Il has been admitted to a sanitarium somewhere in Russia as the result of an as yet undiagnosed mental illness," reported Tom Arnold on the Best Damn Sports Show last night. A review of game film does show Il acting erratically on the sidelines over the weekend. For example, Il only sent his defense onto the field for the entire 4th quarter and kept exorting them to "air it out bubbah!" In addition he threw out the red challenge flag twice after his own team scored. Fortunately for the Commies, the security guards at the game were unnarmed and refused Il's repeated demands that they execute certain players on both teams. "If the rumors are true, I would expect the Commies to make a coaching change soon. They simply can't go on covering up the story and loosing games this early in the season," commented Bob Costas. Stay tuned.

 
  
Photos Reveal Il's Secret!

 
WILLIS IL!
In a stunning revelation today, it was confirmed that Kim Jong Il is in fact Commissioner Arnold's long estranged brother, Willis. The Commissioner's brother--thrown out of the Drummond household and disowned because of his unnatural desires for his perky blond step-sister Kimberly--became severely schizphrenic and wandered the streets,living in cardboard boxes and making occasional guest appearances on Fantasy Island and the Love Boat. Popular legend has it that Willis eventually took his own life, literally exploding after consuming pop rocks and coca-cola. It was not even remotely suspected that the unbalanced young man had become the deranged dictator of the Democratic Republic of North Korea and coach of the World Champion Commies football team. There was no reaction from the Commissioner's office.

 
  
Revealing Photo of Priest Holmes

 
PRONTO DISQUALIFIED!
The Commisioner today announced the suspension of Pronto and the team's disqualification from participating in the post-season playoffs due to the teams' unfair competitive coaching advantage. "We have incontrovertible proof that the actual coach of Pronto is not a monkey, but the Lord Almighty Himself." said League Commisioner Arnold Drummond. "This is patently unfair to the other teams in the League as we all know that He is infallible---if we continue to allow Him to coach we might as well declare the season over right now. I mean, come on, what is this--Ancient Greece?" The Commisioner then added that the League would not tolerate any interference from divine beings of any era, creed, or region. "I don't care if it's Thor, Queztacoatl, or Krishna--we will not allow it!" The management of Pronto said they were 'flabbergasted' at the decision and asked if the ban on extratemporal or supernatural beings would extend to Priest Holmes; "we thought everyone knew he was a football god!"

 
  
Drew Bledsoe Performance Praised by Management

 
HUSKIES DISBAND
In the wake of a close defeat snatched from the jaws of almost certain victory over division rivals Purple Dinos, the new Husky management has announced a name change and the complete disbanding of the team. "This was almost inconceivable," said a spokesclown for the team. "If it weren't for the heroic efforts of quarterback Drew Bledsoe we might actually have ended up with a tie--or worse even a victory!--to blemish our goal of a perfect defeated season! Thank goodness Drew was able to pull out those negative numbers to put the loss within reach." The "Sad Clowns" will relegate most of its veterans to free agency, although Head Coach Bozo the Clown added that some players would remain on the roster: "In spite of his unpredictability--Drew made the mistake of actually scoring two weeks ago--we will probably be retaining his services--as well as those of Marshall Faulk. Marshall is a serious player who has shown complete dedication to our ultimate goal by severely injuring himself for the third season in a row--what a clown!" The team admits that there are some thoughts of picking up Chad Pennington, Donald Driver, and MIchael Vick; although rumors Vick might be back later in the season make that somewhat unlikely: "We simply can't risk someone who has talent , skill, and the ability to score playing for this team right now; what would our fans think?"


 
  
New Head Coach Poseidon Shown Here in the Locker Room During the Recent Commie Victory

 
ILL IL OUT!
In a move anticipated for over a week, the Commies announced Sunday morning that head coach Kim Jong Il had been let go for mental health reasons. "It simply was too much for one man to be both the head coach of a fantasy football league team and the dictatorial leader of a communist country on the verge of nuclear war with the West," said Igor Tass, the Commies team spokesman. "Il will be missed, but the entire team -- players and management -- thought it best to let him go until his head is back in the game. I hope it doesn't take Armageddon to turn Kim around, but sometimes it takes tragedy, death and suffering on a massive scale to get someone like him to focus on what is really important in life." The real surprise came in the Commies announcement of their new head coach: Poseidon. "While we are generally aetheists, we thought that going with a god, even an old one, was right for the team in light of recent revelations about Pronto's ownership and divine interventions," admitted Igor Tass. "Our water boy had Poseidon's home number, so we called him up and convinced him to come out of retirement to challenge the so-called one and only omnipotent god. When Poseidon heard that Pronto's owner was claiming to be THE GOD with a capital "G" he was pissed, and we liked that about him."

 
  
Angry BBH Sports Writers Walk Out Demanding Higher Wages, Back Pay and More Laughs.

 
Writers Strike!
Editor's Note: As you may have noticed, there hasn't been a new story on the front page for a number of days now. That is becuase our entire staff of sports writers has walked out demanding higher pay, back wages and more recognition in the form of verifiable laughter. We are currently in negotiations with staff, but have been trying to explain to them that we do not and never have paid them. For that reason, we don't owe them any back pay and can't pay them any more. Finally, we explained to them that the laughter part meant that they would actually have to start writing stories that were funny rather than the straighforward, hard hitting, truthful and unbiased reporting that they have provided up to this point. Stay tuned. The Editor

 
The Commissioner and General Patton

 
PATTON HONORED
General George S. Patton, Coach-in-Chief of the Weasels, was awarded for his standing as Coach-of-the-Year-So-Far by Commissioner Coleman. "Patton's ranking as the #1 Coach by the League Game Center justfies our recognition of his achevements," said the Commissioner. When it was questioned whether it was appropriate to award such an honor to the head coach of a team with a losing record, the Commissioner responded: "Well, that just proves he's only human . . . . unlike some other team's coaching staffs!" General Patton's comments on receipt of the award were laced with colorful euphemisms which were unfit for publication.

 
  
Secret Island Site of Buff Stadium

 
BUFF ISLAND REVEALED
The secret island site of Buff Stadium has at last been revealed. Many teams forced to play away games against the Buffs have complained about the long flights while blindfolded and being forced to drink champagne and wear leis. "Last time I was there," sobbed Dragons' Quarterback Rich Gannon, "I had to share a room with Sonny Bono!" Head Coach Mr. Roarke and Assistant Coach Tattoo denied putting visiting players through any hardship: "We only reveal to them what they have come here to discover," said Roarke before being interupted by an insistent Tattoo. "The plane, Boss, the plane!" shouted the dimuntive sidekick as the Pronto team plane flew into sight.

 
  
Buffs new Commish Candidate H.R. Puffenstuff

 
BUFFS demand rescore
After the Commish abused his powers by both rescoreing and revealing where the BUFFS fantasy island was located. The BUFFS have decided to move thier island to a new "secret" location closer to Gilligan's island where they truly can be lost and forgotten. They now claim they are 3-0 and refuse to accept any scoring less than 100 points per toouchdown by their teams players only. The new Commish candidate H.R. Puffenstuff is demanding a recall on current Commish Willis on the grounds that he has not followed league procedure when he revealed the location of the BUFFS stadium. The recall has over 500 signitures from just the BUFF players to make it a legal mandate. BUFFS asst coach Tattoo publicly stated that the move will require "more planes boss, more planes boss" and a very big expense account

 
Tear down the Commies Mr. Commissioner

 
Commies Overthrown!
"We hereby renounce communism and apologize to the league and to the world," announced Igor Tass, the Commies spokesperson today. "We have seen the errors of our ways and now realize that communism was and is an erroneous philosophy created by spoiled rich kid only children who didn't want to share their legos but still wanted to look good in the eyes of their parents by appearing to share their toys with the other kids." Many belive that the Commies change of heart was the direct result of their humiliating defeat to the Spiders in which the Commies could only muster 22 points. "For all their bluster and May Day military parades, they turned out to be nothing but a paper tiger," said the Spider head coach. While some in the league and media questioned the sincerity of the Commies, their doubts were soon answered when the Commies announced that Ronald Reagan has been named the teams General Manager. Reagan, who predicted the eventual fall of the Commies in his famous "tear down the Commies" speach at the Berlin Wall was not available for comment. However, through his press office, President Reagan was said to have been pleased by the cookies sent to him by the Commies ownership.

 
  
Team-Formerly-Known-as-Huskies Fans Mourn Their Victory

 
TFKATH!
Thousands of Team-Formerly-Known-as-Huskies fans demonstrated today after the heartbreaking last-minute win suffered by the team Monday night. The crowd fervently chanted "Down with Ahman Green" and sang the well-known Beatles song "I'm a Loser" while management debated exactly what had gone wrong with the team's 'Complete Defeat' strategy. "Obviously we made the right choice in keeping Drew Bledsoe out of the game--he had warned us that it was possible he may have positive numbers this week," said a spokesclown. "And Tommy Maddox---bless his heart--did his best to keep his own points to the very minimum through the clever use of tactical interceptions. Unfortunately Jeff and Ahman just really let us all down." Now that the perfect defeated season has been relegated to the realm of fantasies and shattered dreams, it is unclear what direction the team may take in future games

 
  
Spiders Dream Team prepare to take the field for halftime at the opening of Arachnophobia Stadium.

 
Show Stuns Crowd
In a semi-unanimous poll, the Spider Cheerleaders were underwhelmingly chosen to provide the half-time entertainment at the new Arachnophobia Stadium. Although Jimmy Buffett and Alan Jackson received just as many votes, they decided it was “five o’clock somewhere” and invited the Death Row Dames to accompany them to Margaritaville for a tailgate party that ended sometime on Tuesday morning. Requests for an Aztec ceremonial human sacrifice were scratched when Bittainy and Modonna refused to repeat their MTV awards kiss prior to being sacrificed. The commissioner also vetoed that portion of the performance saying that “like a virgin” only angers the Aztec gods and he doesn’t need anyone else complaining to him about the scoring system.
The outpouring of support by the fans thrilled Ms. Widow. “I knew the addition of male cheerleaders would be a real draw. The fans went wild.” Of course, there is some question about whether the fans were going wild over the show or intoxicated by the humiliating defeat of the Commies.
When asked about the Commies subsequent renunciation of communism and apology to the league, Chauncey Gardener (aka Chance the gardener) of the Spiders Public Affairs office replied, “As long as the roots are not severed, all is well – and all will be well – in the garden.” That is quite an optimistic view of the future of the Commies given the intense adversarial relationship of the two teams’ pasts.

 
Coach Dave Grayvis

 
Commies Newest Coach
GM Ronald Reagan announced today that the Commies had, once again, hired a new coach mid-season: Dave Grayvis. The new Commie coach is unknown in football circles or elsewhere, although his face seems familiar to most California voters. "I think I recall him from somewhere, but I just can't place it," said Commie season ticket holder Pete Wilson. Rumors are that GM Reagan knew Grayvis through an "ex-governor support group" which Reagan often visits. "I am very excited about my new job and the challenge it presents," droned coach Grayvis at a press conference. "I think we can overcome our team's record scoring deficits by tripling our points, by allowing illegal aliens to play on our team, by recognizing our player's domestic partners and by providing the best education, workers compensation and free healthcare that our fans can pay for." stay tuned.

 
  
Thud Bear With New Special Teams Coach Delbert McClintock

 
Weasel Hire Coach
Thud Bear announced another change to his coaching staff today. Delbert McClintock was named as the new special teams coach. A search of the Internet revealed no past football connection for Mr. McClintock. But this would be nothing new for Thud’s coaching staff. Both his current, General Patton, and his former, Smokey the Bear, offensive coordinators had no football experience prior to coaching for the Weasels. His defensive coordinator, Andre’ Maginot, is a Frenchman and did not even understand American football before being hired. As to McClintock, the Internet search found several possibilities. When asked which of these matched his new special teams coach, Thud Bear stated that Delbert was best known for his destruction of a nest of African spiders that had been inadvertently transported to a small southwestern town in the US. This would seem to be appropriate in this league since the Weasels play the Spiders this week and coaching staffs seem be related less to football than to almost anything else. During an interview in Mr. Bear’s office McClintock was asked about his strategy for the game this week against the Spiders. His response was, “I will hunt down the alegid arachnid and spritz him to kingdom come.” When it was pointed out that this was just a football game and that his comments may appear to be a little strong, he replied, “Yeah, that's right, I'm bad." Delbert also informed the press that before he enters the fray his battle cry was “Rock'n'roll." How this coaching change will help the underdog Weasels against the Spiders is yet to be seen.

 
Pronto's Coach 'Monk' E

 
PRONTO of the APES!
At last it can be told!! Intrepid investigators from the Commissioner's office have at last revealed the true identity of the mysterious Head Coach of undefeated Pronto--none other than the only child of a pair of hyperintelligent apes from the future! Going under the pseudonym of "Monk" E, Pronto's ape coach is actually Caesar, the offspring of Cornelius and Zira, two apes who escaped the complete destruction of the earth by telepathic mutants in the year 3955 AD through the clever tactic of stowing away on a crashed starship piloted by a human astronaut named Taylor. Hunted down and killed by paranoid security agents, Cornelius and Zira saved Caesar by hiding him in a circus. This demented primate has been plotting for years with his own kind to take control of the world, and has obviously started with the intention of seizing the championship of the Big Blue House. The Commissioner's only comment on learning of these facts was "Get your stinking paws off the League, you damned dirty ape!"

 
  
Pronto in Action Against the Valiant but Doomed Dragons

 
Beyond the Apes!
In spite of the courage of the Dragons, the Apes of Pronto continue their relentless path to the championship. Warnings from the Commissioner that the victory of the hyperintelligent apes from the future would lead to an inevitable apocalyptic confrontation between simians and humankind have been disregarded, and Caesar and his minions continue their drive to possess the Tutter Trophy now held in an undisclosed secret facility and guarded by the former Commies somewhere near Pyongyang. There was no comment from the Commissioner besides a whispered "damn you apes all to hell!" while pounding his fist into the sand on the beach.

 
  
Fans brought giant spiders to show support. Most escaped, like this one riding on top of a Weasel Town police car.

 
Arach-NO-phobia
Spiders owner, Ms. Widow, said she was quite pleased with her recent win, narrow though it was, over the Weasels. She felt it was a particularly important win after Thud Bear had announced the hiring of exterminator/special teams coach Delbert McClintock. As noted in a previous news story, Delbert is “best known for his destruction of a nest of African spiders that had been inadvertently transported to a small southwestern town in the US. This would seem to be appropriate in this league since the Weasels play the Spiders this week . . . .” Although some might be insulted by this strategic hiring, Ms. Widow said, “I’m flattered that the Spiders are thought to be enough of a threat to merit such targeted staff hiring. I had hoped that in our first year as an expansion team we would have a good showing, but this is better than I had hoped for. How we do over the entire season remains to be seen, but I’d say we are off to a decent start.” When asked about how the team managed to beat Coach McClintock’s obvious hatred of spiders, she noted that the players worked together as a team, but the fans really pulled us through. “We were really concerned about the effect Delbert’s presence was having on the defense/special teams and the receiving corps. In a spontaneous showing of support our fans brought hundreds of giant spiders to the game. The escape of a few of those spiders in the concessions, bathrooms and parking areas averted Delbert’s attention from the game as he became obsessed with exterminating the ‘eight-legged freaks’. Once he had left the field, the team became more relaxed and played as a single unit.” Ms. Widow denied any knowledge of where the spiders came from and any knowledge of the fans plans to bring them. Delbert was last seen running into the Weasels weight room shouting “I will hunt down the alegid arachnid and spritz him to kingdom come. Yeah, that's right, I'm bad.” What will become of Coach McClintock is up to Thud Bear, Ms. Widow is just pleased by the outcome and is focused on the team’s next match-up against the Gilligans. “We hope they get rescued in time for the game. We promised them a three hour boat tour after the game so they could enjoy the beauty and serenity of the waters around The Parlor.”

 
Ms. Widow during her news conference after allowing the wrong press release to be printed.

 
Forfeit Weasels!
Ms. Widow would like to apologize for the previous article that was published in the league news. In an effort to maintain an efficient front office, two articles were written as she knew it would be a close game with the weasels. The head of her public affairs office, Mr. Chauncey Gardener submitted the wrong article for publication. Mr. Gardener’s only reply to the confusion regarding the mixed up press release was, “I do not read papers. I watch TV.” And so it goes. Ms. Widow went on to say, “However, I will be taking the results of this game to the league commissioner. I believe it is against League rules to threaten death in order to undermine the playing of the other team. Hiring an exterminator who specializes in killing arachnids has an implied threat of death. If it hadn’t been for Coach Delbert McClintock’s presence my defense and special teams would have performed to the high standards of previous games. I believe the honorable thing for Thud Bear to do is forfeit the game on the grounds of unethical and criminal behavior. I am awaiting replies from both Thud Bear and Arnold regarding this matter.”

 
  
Pirate Larry, Cap’n Pa and Mr. Lunt on the deck of the U.S.S Lazy Susan

 
Weasels Hire Pirates
In an unbelievable finish the Weasels managed to score 38 points in the closing minutes of an exciting game against the Spiders in week 5. That gave them a 5-point victory when the Spider’s defense managed to score only 2 points – and even that is questionable since they got their 2 points with an interception that was fumbled back to the offense and turned into an offensive TD. It seems the defense doesn’t lose 2 points for fumbling the ball like the offense does. This may be worth an investigative report. But that will have to wait for another time as this reporter has learned that the Weasels hired a group of cutthroats to steal this game from the Spiders. Thud Bear, the Weasel owner, to insure that the Weasels won this game, hired a notorious band of pirates known as “The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything”. How the pirates accomplished this feat is still unknown. But there is a great deal of suspicion regarding the remarkable finish. This reporter interviewed the pirates on board their boat, the U.S.S Lazy Susan. When asked if they had been hired to steal the game for the Weasels, Mr. Lunt relied: “Argh! Watch your tongue, matey! Or we'll...what'll we do?” To which Larry answered: “Nothing. We're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.” Mr. Lunt’s final comment was: “Oh. Argh! You were lucky this time!” When the question was put to them a second time, Larry responded with: “Why would anyone hire us to do anything. We’re The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything. So if they hired us to do something, it wouldn’t get done.” Unable to get any more out of the pirates, we continued the quest at the Weasel’s front office. The only response we got there was “no comment.” Calls to Thud’s office were not returned, as were calls to the commissioner’s office. This reporter will leave no vegetable unturned in his pursuit of the truth of this allegation

 
  
Weasel’s New General Manager and Coaching Staff

 
Weasels New Staff
Weasel owner Thud Bear has announced a complete change in his Coaching staff along with a new general manager. Thud’s press release stated, “I didn’t believe that divine forces were at work in the league, even after the commissioner came out and banned them. But when my coaches and general manager came to me with requests to be replaced by people better able to confront the forces arrayed against us, I was forced to accept the possibility and react accordingly. So I will reluctantly replace coaches I feel are doing a good job but are just not prepared to deal with this kind of foe. I am replacing them with coaches that have a background in this sort of encounter. My new head coach, Yoda, has extensive experience with the dark forces and is one of the most sought after teachers in that field. He has been kind enough to come here from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. He brings with him one of his best students, Obi-wan Kenobi as defensive coordinator. The new offensive coordinator is one of Obi-wan’s students, Darth Vader. Darth has intimate experience with the dark side and should be able to design an offensive system that takes advantage of its weaknesses. Obi-wan is one of the last remaining Jedi and has been successfully defending against the dark side for many years. My new general manager, Moses, brings a great deal of experience dealing with divine beings to the table and should be a great asset in that area. In another incarnation, he had extensive experience dealing with intelligent apes. In fact, he defeated them in their only encounter. With these changes, I feel the Weasels will again be in contention for the Tutter Trophy.” {Please note that that this story has been published on behalf of the Weasel Town newspaper by The Parlor Gazette. Weasel Town's publishing facility has been contaminated with fanthrax in order to kill off the remaining giant spiders released by Spider fans. Differences in opinion regarding the Weasels recent win are still unresolved, but The Parlor Gazette believes "The People's Right to Know" is more important than any sports rivalry.}

 
"I just got a better gig" according to Commie Head Coach Dave Gravis aka ex-governor Gray Davis

 
Dave Gayvis Quits!
First came the rumors that new Commie head coach Dave Gravis was, in fact, California Governor Gray Davis, the subject of a recall campaign set to culminate in his ouster this last tuesday. Then came word that Gray Davis had quit as head coach despite being ousted from his governor's job. The latest and greatest bombshell, however, is the news that Gray Davis has landed a new job in Las Vegas with famed white tiger trainer Sigfreid Whateverhislastnameis. "I thought with my background and experience this was a perfect fit for me; much more so that trying to coach a former communist fantasy football team managed by Ronald "the gipper" Reagan." Gray Davis denied stories that he and his anti-recall staff had actually engineered the mauling of Roy Whathisname last week in order to create the job opening. "I don't know how these stories get started, but I did not plant rumors about Arnold groping women nor did I smear rare African gazelle blood all over Roy's costume!" When asked about Gray Davis' lack of tiger training experience, Sigfried replied, "training? who said anything about training? I just needed more food for my precious white tigers." Stay tuned to see who the Commies will name as its new head coach.

 
  
HR Puffenstuff with new headcoach Sigmund and a few of the SEAMONSTER players

 
Seamonsters Move!!
General Manager HR Puffenstuff (a commish wanna-bee) announced that the seven castaways plus a small coaching staff had once again moved to a new island where they hired Sigmund the Seamonster as the new head coach and renamed the team the SEAMONSTERS. This bold move was in response to the both the threat from the SPIDERS in the upcoming game and the theft of their QB Garcia by the WEASELS. The questions the SEAMONTERS demand the commish to investigate was how Garcia came to be stolen? Best guess from an unnamed FORMER COMMIES source was that it occurred during the transfer from the deep sleep chamber to the cryogenic freeze facility on neighboring GULA-GULA Island. Once he was stolen the WEASELS managed to use some sort of de-tranquilizer to rouse the QB so that he scored more than 2 points during a game. Further reports from another unnamed WEASEL source announced that the SEAMONSTERS have hired famed special/exterminator coach Delbert McClintock to help defeat the SPIDERS in the upcoming game. The SEAMONSTERS are so confident in defeating the SPIDERS that the entire reserve team has been given a week off and told to party down with the TFKATH team to try and buy special favors from them. HR would not comment on speculation that the Commish has been extra nice already to the SEAMONSTER but emphasized that “in all our island hopping we are unable sometimes to move our players around and have to rely on the good will of the Commish” and “we send him emails to request our changes, but since we doubt he can read we also send highly encrypted voice mails to ensure he understands our needs”.

 
Deputy Barny Fife arrests Delbert mcClintock after the Spiders plans laid bare

 
McClintock Arrested!
Barney Fife the pride of the SEAMONSTERS detective team discovered to late to prevent the horrible and totally morally wrong victory by the Spiders. The plan was as far fetched, as was the victory over the well-hidden and paranoid Seamonsters. The plan was conceived we think by the Weasels and carried out by multiple teams in the league to make sure the overwhelming ability of the Seamonsters was not totally dominating this season. The plan was simple and almost foolproof, luckily the Seamonsters had a fool as part of their detective team and discovered the plans halfway through the game with the Spiders. The plan was to keep the Seamonsters QB Garcia in cryogenic sleep but convince everyone he should remain on the active roster. Once the QB position was neutralized all Seamonsters opponents would easily win. However, the Weasels where unable to just use McClintock to place the drugs, they used the opportunity to steal Garcia from Gilligans island. McClintock then used the Spider-Weasel disagreement and the recommendation from Huskies (now TFKATH) to snake his way into the confidence of HR Puffenstuff and the rest of the team. Unknown to Sigmund or anybody else McClintock had a backup plan just in case the Spiders looked like they were about to lose the game. He carried out his plan at halftime when it looked like Hasselbeck was going to destroy the Spiders. McClintock slipped some sleeping pills into Hasselbecks Gatorade and at the same time the Weasels were using electro-shock therapy on Garcia. Unfortunately for the Seamonsters the plan worked and Garcia came out scoring and Hasselbeck fell a-sleep. This plan was caught by Fife and during the 4th quarter arrested McClintock who will have his hearing sometime in 2008. After this episode the Seamonster have been made to look like monkeys so they have formally changed their name to the Seamonkeys.

 
Lancelot Link and Mata Hairy, agents of A.P.E., take a well-deserved rest

 
PRONTO DEFEATED!
The hyperintelligent apes of Pronto's plans for world domination received a severe setback Sunday as the animated characters of Los Bunion cruised to victory. In a post-game briefing, the Commisioner revealed that Pronto had been infiltrated and the primate's super-secret game plan stolen by friendly agents from the Agency to Prevent Evil, or A.P.E. "Recognition and thanks should be given to the true heroes of the day: Lancelot Link and Mata Hairy," stated Commissioner Drummond. "Without them we would all be grubbing for bananas already. But this is just the first step in a long season of resistance; we must be prepared to do anything and everything necessary to retain human control of the Tutter trophy. Extremism in the defense of the Blue House is no vice." Caesar, evil simian mastermind of Pronto, was quoted as saying he and his team "would be back"--depending upon whether doing so would be a copyright violation.

 
  
The crew takes a break at the Weasel Town newsroom. Brazilliam Soccor Team/Weasel Cheerleaders.

 
NEWSROOM TO CLOSE
Today MegaCom announced a downsizing in their struggle to avoid Chapter 11. They announced they would scale back their operations in many areas and eliminate others. One of those that will be eliminated is the Weasel Town office. According to a spokesperson for MegaCom, “The Weasel Town office is currently trying to get by with antiquated equipment and the news worthiness of the area does not make it worth upgrading. In fact that office was unable to post a story this week. The story was sent to The Parlor Gazette, where it was posted. We appreciate the help from the Gazette especially considering the minor disagreement between the Weasels and the Spiders, the parent company of the Gazette. As to the effect of the downsizing on the Weasel Town office, some employees will be transferred to other offices and some will be let go.” Among those being “let go” are Clark Kent and Lois Lane. Editor Perry White of the Dailey Planet has offered them jobs in Metropolis and they have accepted. Jimmy Olsen has also been offered a position at the Planet. Mr. White assured the young photographer that at the Planet he would no longer have to reduce his photographs to fit in the leg tubes on the carrier pigeons in use in Weasel Town. Olsen has long complained about this stating, “I spend a great deal of time and effort creating these pictures that capture the essence of a news story. Then they have to be reduced to the point of invisibility before they are published. I’m looking forward to working at the Dailey Planet.” Another set of young reporters is heading to greener pastures. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein have been offered jobs at the Washington Post. Maybe the editor there will take them seriously and let them pursue the information they claim to be getting from an anonymous source called Deep Throat. We wish them luck. One of the mainstays of the office, managing editor Benjamin Franklin, is retiring to spend more time with his “Poor Richard’s Almanac”. The real success story is that of a part time sports reporter, Howard Cosell, who has been offered a position as a color commentator on a new television series called “Monday Night Football”. There is no indication that any of the ongoing investigative stories will be shifted to other MegaCom offices. So we may never know if the rumor is true that the entire Weasel defensive unit has been replaced with Borg, or if the scantily clad Brazilian soccer team has been hired as the new offensive unit or possibly the cheer leading squad. It has been challenging and interesting to have worked with all these people and covered the sometime insane Big Blue House football league, but all good things come to an end. As we say in the newspaper business, that’s a “30” from Weasel Town. {This story was posted thanks to the The Parlor Gazette. Due to the family appeal of the Gazette, Jimmy Olsen was asked to modify the picture of the scantily clad Brazillian soccor team. Given the antiquated news room in Weasel Town, Jimmy did the best he could with his grease pencil.}

 
Pointing the Way to the Goal Line, General Wesley Clark Proves to Reporters that He Knows Something About Football

 
Gen. Clark to Run!
General Wesley Clark today announced that he was throwing his helmet into the ring to seek election as the Commies new head coach. "I have always been in favor of Communism, and I dare those who question this to review all of my speeches for the last 50 years word for word, comma by comma. Never once have I said anything to the contrary, escept maybe when I was at NATO, but that was just to please the audience to whom I was speaking, but I didn't really mean it," said Gen. Clark. Commies GM Ronald Reagan seemed confused by the announcement, said his doctor, particularly since Nancy knows nothing about an election for such a position. Fans of the Commienation were thrilled with the idea of a U.S. General coaching the team. "Wow, that would be cool," said Joey Pinkerton, 5, "I mean he could blow stuff up and use guns and stuff. That would be really cool." For their part, the Commies players seemed eager to have someone, anyone to coach them in their next game. "I think an ex-general would really be great, because he could use all those military metaphores and analogies," noted Quarterback Brad Johnson, "It would really be inspirational to be ordered to throw a bomb by a real live general!"

 
  
Gore, Davis, Kim, and Mr. T strut their stuff

 
THE B-TEAM!
In the third complete overhaul of their coaching staff in 6 games, the clown management of the Team Formerly Known As The Huskies has announced the creation of a special forces coaching unit. This unit will consist of every has-been and loser in the League's history and is to be called the "B-Team".

Former Commies' coaches Gray Davis and Kim Jong Il, along with former Commissioners Mr. T and Al Gore have accepted coaching positions with the new TFKATH unit.

"It took a tremendous amount of effort to coax these gentlemen to work together and coach the team, but our dismal 3 game winning streak has demonstrated that desperate measures are necessary to put us back on track for a losing season. Why, if this nonsense continues we might end up over .500, or worse, actually in the playoffs!" declared a shocked and shaken Bozo Garfinkel, TFKATH spokesclown. "Although ex-Governor Davis is currently on hiatus from replacing Roy at the Mirage, Mr. T and Al Gore insisted on punch and pie before they would sign on board. We then had to send Mr. T into Arkham Asylum in the Russian Federation to bust out Kim. "

TFKATH appears completely committed to the new coaching staff, and the members of the B-Team have signed an iron-clad long-term contract which allows them complete coaching freedom . . . until they are all fired two or three games from now.

 
  
Uncensored Photo

 
Weasels Revealed
A deluge of calls complaining about the censorship of the Weasel Town news article has caused the Parlor Gazette to rethink its position on the publication of the photo accompanying the story. During the past few days an in-depth analysis if the readership of the Gazette shows only 12 subscribers, with the youngest being of an age to understand and cope with the harsh realities of the adult world. In addition, the new managing editor, Hugh Heffner, noted, “They show more in the Victoria’s Secret catalog or on the cover of Cosmo. What’s the problem here?” The Gazette prides itself on publishing controversial stories and photos because it believes the public has “a right to know” and it has “a duty to print the truth”. Therefore, the unaltered photo of the new members of the Weasel’s team/staff has been published with this retraction. We at the Gazette apologize for insulting any of our subscribers by assuming they needed to be protected from the naked (or almost naked) truth. In fact, we are currently following up on a story about a paintball game in Nevada in which wealthy men pay thousands of dollars to chase after naked women and hit them with paintballs. More will follow as the story develops.

 
  
The Hyperintelligen t Apes of Pronto and YOUR girlfriend

 
PRONTO RULES!
Lance Link Brainwashed! Brazilian Soccer Team Defects! Pronto Wins Again! Ape uses Star Trek Metaphor!
In spite of dire warnings from the Commissioner's Office that the monkeys from the future were here to conquer and dominate the world, no team seems capable of stemming the inevitable tide of Ape victory.
"Well, of course that's true." explained Caesar, leader and spokesape of the hyperintellingent primates. "We come from your own future. If we didn't win then that would set up a rather awkward paradox in the space-time continuum, wouldn't it? Rather like that Star Trek film with the whale, hmmmmm?"

 
James Brolin Waives at Pronto Fans as He Leaves the Commies' Headquarters.

 
Commies Duped!
The Commies learned yesterday that their well respected general manager is a fake. Instead of hiring Ronald "the Gipper" Reagan, as they believed, the Commies were duped into hiring James Brolin, an actor playing Reagan. Suspicion focused first on Barbara Streisand who, it was belived, was looking for work for her husband to get him out of the house. However, all of the evidence gathered so far points to Pronto and its network of simian agents. Informed sources indicate that a Pronto associate named Bonzo was responsible for introducing the Commies management to "Ronald Reagan" and for convincing James Brolin that his first meeting with the Commies was an audition for the part in a made for TV movie. After Brolin/Reagan was hired as the GM of the Commies, Bonzo convinced James Brolin that HBO had decided to film the movie as if it were a reality show using hidden cameras. Brolin was told to maintain his role as Reagan no matter what happened. The deception only broke down when Barbara Streisand appeared at Commie headquarters yesterday morning demanding a singing role in the Reagan Reality Movie and demanding a large political donation to the democratic party in lieu of payment for her appearance. When Brolin kissed Streisand, the Commies knew something was terribly wrong and the deception was finally discovered. Beyond firing Reagan/Brolin, the Commies have not yet decided what to do to salvage their season. "Obviously, we need a new GM and a new head coach," said Igor Tass. Stay Tuned.

 
  
Team Members enjoy down time during Jimmy Buffett's Tiki Time Tour. Hurricanes were the drink of choice.

 
PARROTHEAD TOUR
Given the unstoppable Pronto domination of the league and not wanting to “create an awkward paradox in the space-time continuum” the Spiders have decided on some changes in attitudes and changes in latitudes. Spider team owner, Ms. Widow has granted the team some much-deserved R&R. The team voted and has decided to spend the rest of the season following Jimmy Buffett around the country attending his concerts and meeting with other fan groups. They have also voted to change their team name to the Parrotheads.
“We’ve decided to enjoy life to the fullest before the intelligent apes from the future take over. Our first stop is Margaritaville,” remarked Parrothead quarterback Steve McNair. “So pour me something tall and strong. Make it a hurricane before I go insane. It’s only half-past twelve, but I don’t care. It’s five o’clock somewhere.”
Ms. Widow went on to comment that the morale of the team has taken a huge dive in the past few weeks. “We’re losing games we should be winning because they see no point in putting forth the extra effort. Pronto is apparently going to roll over everyone anyway. I’ve thought that some time to enjoy and build some team unity will really pay off as we approach our own game with Pronto in week 11. We will continue to play our scheduled games and will plan our Parrothead tour to coincide with our game schedule.”
Hopefully this plan will work out for the 3-4 Parrotheads. Final comments heard from the team as they boarded the bus for their next concert were:
“I don’t know where I’m a gonna go when the Apes take control”
“Some people claim that there is a woman to blame . . .”
“I wish I had a pencil thin mustache.”
“Boat drinks . . .” someone shouted “Boat drinks”
“Why don’t we get drunk and screw?” was the final question overheard by this reporter as the bus pulled out of the parking lot. It sounded like a proposition by the Dream Team for the Death Row Dames. HMM!!

 
  
Defensive Coordinator Obi-wan Kenobi, assistant coach R2D2 and Borg

 
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
Due to the startling nature of this report the Weasel Town office has been allowed to publish it before its closure. There were several investigations ongoing when the corporation made the decision to close this office. One of those has been brought to fruition by our enterprising investigative reporter/photographer Jimmy Hoffa. In an outstanding example of courage and persistence, Hoffa infiltrated the Weasel training camp and discovered the disturbing fact that the Weasels have replaced their entire defensive team with Borg. Jimmy learned that the Weasels felt it necessary to take extreme measures in an attempt to stop the intelligent apes of Pronto. They replaced their entire coaching staff with entities adept at using “The Force” in defeating evil. They hired Moses/Taylor, the only person to have defeated the intelligent apes, as their general Manager. Even after all that, Thud Bear felt no human had the strength to successfully compete with the apes on the field. He asked his staff for suggestions. After evaluating and discarding many possible solutions, Thud decided that hiring the Borg provided the best probability of success. Shown in the picture above are defensive coordinator Obi-wan Kenobi and his assistant R2D2 going through defensive formations with 5 of the Borg. Jimmy, using his picture-phone, sent it from their secret training site. This was the last communication with Hoffa. Nothing has been heard from him since. The last words received on his phone were, “Resistance is Futile.” No one has been able to understand what those words meant. Calls to Mr. Bear’s office went unanswered. And calls to Moses/Taylor’s office were answered with “no comment.” This information was made available to the commissioner, but as yet there is no response from his office. Although, after his many exhorting messages to stop the intelligent apes before it is too late, we would expect him to be pleased that someone was at least making an attempt.

 
  
New Commie GM Jane Goodall Shown Here Discussing Football Strategy With Pronto Owner Last Season.

 
Janes Hired!!!
The Commies owners wasted no time hiring a new General Manager and Head Coach in preparation for this weeks game against the Ape Juggernaut known as Pronto. "We are pleased to announce today that Jane Goodall has been hired as the Commies new GM and that Jane of Tarzan and Jane has become the teams new head coach," announced Igor Tass during today's news conference. "Jane Goodall has spent her entire life studying simian football strategy and play calling. If anyone can outthink Pronto this week, we know it is Goodall. At the same time, we believe that Jane of Tarzan and Jane gives us special insight into how to survive in the ape infested jungles and even domesticate these wild beasts. It doesn't hurt that she was married or at least cohabitating with the king of the apes for all those years and may be able to distract some of Pronto's key players with her very short, tight and strategically torn cheetah skin dress. Are we playing fair? Absolutely not," admitted Tass. "But this is fantasy football, not war, and there is no Geneva Convention to contend with." How long will this Janes Addiction last for the Commies last? It all depends on whether they can defeat Pronto this week or not. At least at this point, the comm guru has the game at even odds given the addition of the Janes. Stay Tuned.

 
The Communist State of California Burns After Pronto Game

 
Scorched Earth!!
Pronto left no doubt that it would use any means necessary to vanquish its opponents and win the Tutter Trophy when it used scorched earth tactics against the Commies this week. The Commies have called for an emergency meeting of the Big Blue House Board at which Igor Tass is expected to reveal satellite images proving the fact that Pronto has resorted to arson, vandalism and terrorism to win its games. Further, the Commies are expected to accuse Pronto of having Weapons of Mans Destruction (WMD). Sadly, the Commies have reported that both Janes -- Jane Goodall and Jane of Tarzan and Jane fame -- are missing and presumed dead after this weeks game. "We simply do not see how either could've survived such a conflagration."

 
The Johnsons

 
SEAMONKEY TAKEOVER!
In a surprising move today, Johnson and Johnson announced a hostile takeover of the ailing Seamonkey franchise today. The reclusive Johnson brothers, Don and Lyndon, stated in a press conference that they were determined to take the team to the Tutter Bowl--and would use any methods necessary to do so. The first noticable change was the team's name, followed by a wholesale firing of both staff and players and a nationwide search for skilled and trustworthy replacements. "We shall not tolerate, we will not obviate, we cannot procrastinate on the escalation necessary to obliterate our skulking enemy. We will see the light at the end of the tunnel," commmented Lyndon. In a further attempt to soothe aggravated feelings over the takeover, the new owners agreed to forfeit their only two victories. Don "Sonny" Johnson said the move was made to "level the playing field, man."

 
Smokey Bear, his cousin Grizzly, Brenda Star and Superhero Larry Boy on the lookout for fire starting Prontos

 
WEASELS READY
After the overwhelming response to the last investigative report from this office, corporate headquarters has decided to keep it open, at least for the rest of this football season. In another exclusive, Lois Lane’s replacement, Brenda Star, has discovered that in preparation for their upcoming game with the intelligent apes of Pronto, the Weasels have added additional staff. Considering the terrible conflagration that was inflicted on the Commies by Pronto last week, Thud Bear called upon his “go to” fire fighter, cousin Smokey Bear. Smokey was given the task of insuring that Pronto did not repeat its slash and burn tactics against the Weasels this week. Smokey can call upon his background with the Forest Service as their premier fire fighter. The emphasis during his tenure there was fire prevention. He has started his famous “Only you can prevent Pronto fires” campaign among the Weasel fans. Additionally, Smokey enlisted another cousin, Grizzly, to assist him in this endeavor. Grizzly brings to the mix a ferocious demeanor and strength that should match or surpass that of any intelligent ape sent to try and instigate their scorched earth tactics. The final member of Smokey’s team is superhero Larry Boy. What exactly he brings to the team is unclear at this time but he has overcome many villains in his crusades. And, if nothing else, he should confuse the apes with his appearance. Between the new coaching staff’s ability to use “The Force”, the Borg’s adaptability and strength on defense and now the Smokey Bear fire fighting team, the Weasels feel confident that they can overcome the intelligent apes of Pronto.

 
Marilyn Monroe Sings Happy Birthday to Big Blue House Commissioner Arnold.

 
NEWS FLASH
Late Breaking News has caused us to interupt your regularly scheduled story. As part of the celebration of Commissioner Arnold's Birthday today (November 4), the team owners banded together to hire Marilyn Monroe to sing happy birthday. Even the Pronto owner put aside his differences with the other owners in order to mark this festive occasion. This is particularly signifcant after the Weasels win over Pronto this week. So, from us to you, " Happy Birthday Mr. Commissioner, Happy Birthday to You." {We will return you to your regularly scheduled story tomorrow!}

 
  
Caesar and Moses/Taylor shake after Weasel victory as Thud Bear looks on

 
PRONTO STOPPED
“We spared no expense and hired the personnel we thought we needed to insure we could stop the dreaded intelligent apes of Pronto. And the results are on the scoreboard for all to see,” shouted jubilant Weasel owner, Thud Bear. Showing no signs of his normal belligerent nature Caesar meet and shook hands with Moses/Tayor at midfield after the stunning win by the weasels. Thud Bear was on hand to witness this exchange and said it was the culmination of his long effort to bring the league back to parity. He stated that now maybe all the owners could sit down and settle this Tutter Trophy thing once and for all. If you have been reading the reports out of this office, you know that the Weasels brought in an entire new coaching staff known for their capabilities in using “The Force”. They hired Moses/Taylor as general manager because of his ability to interface with greater beings and the fact that he is the only one to have ever defeated the apes. He has kept that distinction. One of the most controversial changes was replacing their defensive team with Borg. This evidently worked since the high scoring Pronto offense posted numbers usually seen on their opponents side of the scoreboard. Then Friday before the game the Weasels announced that Thud Bear’s cousin, Smokey, was putting together a team to insure that Pronto did not repeat the slash and burn tactics it had used against the Commies. This also seemed to work as no fires were reported. Although, it is still not clear exactly what it is the Larry Boy does. When asked if he will continue with the current staff or revert back to his old personnel, Thud Bear answered, “Why temp fate? If you have a winning combination why change it?” Earlier in the year the commissioner banned greater beings and such in an attempt to stop Pronto. Pronto ignored these and continued to win. Now that the Weasels have what could be considered greater beings on their staff and team, what will the commissioner’s response be? Calls to the commissioner office went unanswered.

 
  
Dan Rather Pretends to Talk on the Telephone to Look Like He Knows More Than How to Read a Teleprompter

 
CBS Cancels Commies
Dan Rather announced tonight that CBS and CBS Sprortsline.com will not air the Commies Fantasy Football games anymore. "After careful review, CBS has decided that it cannot responsibly air the Commies games, because they are biased, one-sided and completely fictional," said Dan Rather who used his eyebrows to look serious and important. "Additionally, CBS has determined that it cannot air or broadcast anything which in any way relates to the Reagan mini-series. That includes anything in which Mr. Brolin portrayed Ronald Reagan," added Rather. The Commies were stunned when they learned that their games and scores would only be aired on the CBS affiliated 24 hour plumbing channel. "We do not believe it is fair to put our games between 'Trading Toilets" and 'Bidet for a Day'" said Commie spokesperson Igor Tass. "It was not our fault that Mr. Streisand duped us." Stay Tuned.

 
  
A view of the “Weasel Bra” as it was found early Tuesday morning on Main Street in Weasel Town

 
MYSTERY BRA
Weasel Town awoke Tuesday morning to find Main Street totally blocked off by an enormous bra. It was decorated with Weasel team emblems on each cup. How the bra got there, its ownership and what it meant were still mysteries Thursday afternoon, when this story was filed. After the Weasels’ defeat of Pronto on Monday night the team returned home to a wild parade and celebration. The revelry continued into the wee small hours of the morning. Most observes speculated that the bra was part of the debris left over from the party. However, as tipsy as most of the celebrants were, it is unlikely that they would have missed a woman with the dimensions required to fill the bra. There have been numerous rumors, none of which have been substantiated. Among the more interesting are: “The coaching staff used ‘The Force’ to generate a large stripper to entertain the crowd. After her performance they returned her to normal size, missing the fact that she had thrown her bra onto Main Street.” “One of the Brazilian soccer team members that defected to Pronto was stripped and ridden out of town on a rail, leaving her bra behind.” “It belongs to the Commies’ Cosmonaut that seemed to have lost hers last year. It took this long for the Commies, in their normal inept manner, to bring it back to earth. Obviously in the wrong place.” “The Weasels, in their quest for the Tutter Trophy, have hired giant women to play some unknown position on the team.” Calls to Thud Bear’s office regarding this particular rumor remain unanswered. Regardless of where the bra came from, the problem now is to figure out how to get it clear of Main Street and then what to do with it. As of this writing no solution has been found and traffic continues to be diverted around it.

 
Some of the new Weasel offensive team members. Clockwise from upper left: Laura Elway (QB), Emma Crawford (WR), Anna Crawford (WR), Juli Gifford (RB), and Kathi Montana (QB). Surrounding new Offensi

 
MYSTERY SOLVED
The mystery of the “Weasel Bra” has finally been solved. Thud Bear announced today that it was a publicity stud gone bad. The giant bra was designed to be towed by an aircraft similar to advertising banners. The bra would fly over Weasel stadium during a news conference by Weasel head coach Yoda. The conference was to announce another change in the makeup of the Weasel team. But during a trial run late Tuesday night, the bra broke free and came to rest on Main Street. The bra was intended to reinforce the announcement that the Weasels were going co-ed. The entire offense has been put in the hands of a woman. Darth Vader has been replace as offensive coordinator by Margaret Thatcher. Mrs. Thatcher has no background in American football but that seems to be the norm for Weasel coaches. She was the Prime Minister of a small island country for a while and seemed to impress everyone with the way she ran it. During that period she collaborated closely with “The Real Gipper” and could possibly have gained some insight into our type football from that association. Mrs. Thatcher met with him several times during the negotiations and subsequent to her being named offensive coordinator. Since it was discovered that the Commies had hired an imposter, the possibility of hiring him as an assistant/advisor is open. She has been quoted as saying, “If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.” In that vain she has replaced the entire offense with talented women from the Independent Women's Football League. When asked how good a coach she felt she would be, she answered, being a good coach ‘..is like being a lady… if you have to tell people you are, you aren't.’ How all this will help/hurt the Weasels in their upcoming game with Los Bunions is still to be determined. As to the “Weasel Bra”, Thud Bear has agreed to pay for it’s removal and final disposition, if someone can figure out how to do that. Until then traffic is still being routed around it.

 
  
Codename 'W'

 
PRONTO SECRET WEAPON
In a stunning move--and in response to two setbacks in four weeks to the hyperintelligent apes from the future's plans for world domination--team Pronto has unveiled a secret weapon known only by it's codename: W.

"W will be starting at quarterback," stated simian mastermind Caesar. "In spite of the fact he has never played in any competitive athletic sport before, we feel W has extraordinary experience in play action fakes, throwing the long bomb, and handing off responsibility. And his statue of liberty play is something to see--very patriot act!"

W was a member the Pronto cheerleading squad before being thrown off the team for his irrepressible antics. "He was a party animal," said former roommate Rush 'Apeman' Limbaugh." And he always knew where to score the good stuff."

Caesar pointed out that the most difficult part of W's training for the starting position was his successful completion of a 12-step program to overcome Cheney dependency syndrome.

When it was pointed out that W was in fact a homo sapien and might technically be disqualified from playing for a team of temporally displaced apes, Caesar responded that W's IQ test placed him 'well within the normal parameters expected of a chimpanzee from your time" and that W's political views definitely "qualifed him for membership in a troop of aggressive, expansionist, reactionary, chest-beating baboons."

"Besides," continued the Ape Genius, "he looks good in a uniform."

 
  
Team members gather around newly identified staff member, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince during pre-game warm-ups. Obviously mystical powers have been used to transform quarterback Hasselbeck an

 
WHO IS TFKATH?
Has anyone else noticed that there is another apparently unstoppable team in the Big Blue House? Have there been any stories regarding the similarities between the name of that team and the name of a pop idol from the 1980’s? Have all other news sources been intimidated by the possibility that this team has undue influence over the league commissioner? Or could it be that the Telegraph is the only paper willing to print the facts with no bias? The “liberal” media has yet to make the public aware of this ever-present threat until now.
After starting the year with 3 straight losses, the Huskies went through several name changes before settling on the “Team Formerly Known As The Huskies.” This is when the current 7-game winning streak started. For weeks reporters for the telegraph have been following the progress of TFKATH. As TFKATH warmed up before its game against the Parrotheads, reporters noticed a mysterious figure among the coaches and staff on the sidelines. The staff photographer was able to capture this image using his super stealth ultra zoom camera. He thought is recognized the figure, but showed it around at the Jimmy Buffett concert he attended after the game to confirm his suspicions. Large groups of concertgoers who attended high school and college in the eighties identified the figure as “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince”. Are the similarities in the names coincidence? This reporter thinks NOT!!! Further research shows that the team’s symbol and The Artist Formerly Known as Prince’s symbol are exactly the same.
Could this be the reason for the turn around in the team’s performance? Could mystical enchantments be involved? What lurid things are going on in the locker room when the team is off the field? What are the plans of TFKATH and TAFKAP? Are they more sinister than those of Pronto? Where is Apollonia? Why is there always a purple rain after every TFKATH victory? Will Morris Day and The Time be able to thwart the time traveling Pronto Apes?
A visit to the TFKATH front office yielded nothing more than the following quote, “Let’s go crazy and party like it’s 1999.” This reporter turned in time to see a mysterious figure speed off in his little red corvette. The Coconut Telegraph intends to get to the bottom of this hidden development in The Big Blue House (as soon as the Captain Morgan’s runs out.). The Telegraph also encourages the people to put pressure on other media sources to put personal biases aside and join forces to expose the danger posed by TFKATH.

 
Johnson introduces Lay, Kozlowski, Stewart, and Ebbers

 
JOHNSONS' NEW STAFF
After a disastrous two weeks under the new management, the Johnson brothers have announced yet another restructuring of Team Johnson. Well-known corporate bosses Ken Lay of Enron, Bernard Ebbers of WorldCom, Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco, and Martha Stewart of Omnimedia have been brought in to manage the hapless team in the hopes of turning the franchise's fortunes around.

"We launched a global search, offered the highest salaries and bonuses, used only the top headhunters, and our efforts brought us the best and most effective business leaders in the world--we were just lucky these four were available so late in the season and that all of them agreed to come on board," said team co-owner Lyndon Johnson. "After looking over the numbers, the new staff has assured me that we already have a winning season and are headed for the playoffs. In addition, they have promised us that the fruits of our investment in their management skills will provide tremendous dividends in the championship game. They are positive we will win the Tutter trophy."

The first step the new management took was to fire every single member of the team, replacing established Johnsons with illegal immigrants in order to lower payroll costs. "After having Arthur Anderson audit our books, we discovered that we had already made the playoffs with a 10-0 record and thus the problem appeared to be in the area of excessive expenditures; there was a desperate need to improve the bottom line by trimming the 'deadwood' from the team." stated Head coach Kozlowski. "To improve morale, the extra savings will go toward very expensive shower curtains for the management's multi-million dollar beach homes."

"I believe that our record was actually 13-0," corrected Offensive coordinator Ken Lay.

When it was pointed out that there had only been 10 games, Defensive coordinator Bernard Ebbers explained that the extra wins were "calculated from goal options brought forward from previously purchased extra points and credited toward this seasons' victorys on a dollar-cost average-touchdown basis."

"And we can create some really lovely new uniforms using tree bark, glitter, and those leftover halloween pumpkins," finalized Special teams coach Martha Stewart.

 
  
The Hindenburg in flames as it attempts to carry the “Weasel Bra” away

 
Lift, Separate Fails
Weasel Town residents who came out to see the removal of the “Weasel Bra” were given a spectacular display of fireworks instead. It was announced that Thud Bear had hired a German company to remove the “Weasel Bra” from Main Street. Their proposal was to lift the bra with one of their dirigibles and fly it to a remote site where it would be auctioned off to the highest bidder. It seems there were many people interested in acquiring the bra, although none of those contacted were willing to comment on what they intended to use it for. The lift was to take place Monday afternoon and the public was invited to view the event. Local authorities evacuated the downtown area and set up a cordon around it to insure that the spectators were at a safe distance should the bra again fall. As it turned out, these precautions saved many lives. The dirigible Hindenburg was chosen to accomplish the feat and arrived early Monday morning. It was a spectacular sight for the estimated 250,000 people who turned out to watch. Giant cables were lowered from the dirigible and attached to the bra straps. Then winches lifted the bra clear of the ground and the Hindenburg began carrying it away. At that moment a small flicker of flame was seen in the aft section of the dirigible. This soon turned into a conflagration that could not be controlled even with the best efforts of Smokey Bear and his fire fighting team. The dirigible and the bra came crashing back down onto Main Street setting several buildings ablaze. After several hours of effort Smokey and his team, along with the local fire department, got the blaze under control. By the time it was extinguished, the fire had destroyed one city block and portions of three others. Fortunately no one was seriously injured. The Hindenburg crew managed to escape with minor injuries and no one on the ground was injured. Now not only does the bra still block traffic on Main Street, but between the wreckage of the Hindenburg and the burned out buildings, traffic is blocked on 1st, 2nd, 3rd, Oak and Maple streets. The cause of the fire is under investigation. When reached at his office, Mr. Bear said, “This publicity stunt has turned into a disaster. If it keeps going in the direction it has been I’ll be filling for Chapter 11. On the bright side, the change in coaching and playing personnel has proven beneficial.”

 
The Commies' 60 Foot Tall Centerfold, Model, Actress and New Tailback Is Pictured Here Trying to Retreive Her Bra After Some Post Signing Fun.

 
Commies New Tailback
"We were looking for a big solid back who could carry the ball on every down," started Igor Tass in the Commies most recent press conference. "We're confident that we found her." And with that, the Commies revealed their new tailback known simply as Number 60. "She's big, she's stong, she has good vision and she'll cover 100 yards in 10 steps. In addition, she's clearly raised moral among the rest of the team who really look up to her, particularly in the showers," said her agent Hugh Hefner. The Commies had hoped to keep Number 60 under wraps until this weeks game, but lost control over her after her signing party. "One minute she was signing the contract and drinking champagne, the next minute she was gone and only pieces of her clothing were left," said sources close to the Commies. Commentator Joe Theisman (pronounced J-O-O) thought that this was a smart move by the Commies given their current record. "I still can't figure out how they're going to hand her the ball, though, or how she's going to line up on sides when they're inside their own 20 yard line. We'll just have to watch and learn." Stay Tuned.

 
  
Dramatic Arrest of Johnson's Management Team

 

BUSTED!
In a twist worthy of Agatha Christie and a scandal the size of the 1919 World Series, the recently hired coaching staff of the cellar-dwelling Johnsons have all been arrested and charged with insider touchdowns and point manipulation.

After numerous suspicious outcomes this week and the sudden appearence of the perennial punching-bag team at the top of their division, an investigation was launched by the league into the activities of the Johnson coaching staff which resulted in arrest warrants being sworn out on Kozlowski, Ebbers, Lay, and Stewart for violations of the League Score Tampering Sanctions Act. The warrants were served on the coaches on the sidelines during the game against the Purple Dinos--all four attempted to flee across the field but were pursued and apprehended by alert League security personnel.

"We had a tough time finding a lawyer to swear out the warrants, most of them are still in North Korea doing depositions on the Tutter Trophy case," said Commissioner Arnold Drummond. "And it was darn lucky 'Cops' was doing the Big Blue House because I have never seen our security people move so fast. I'm sure we'll get a couple of brutality complaints--on the other hand, the ratings for the game were unbelievable!"

The Commissioner's Office assures all owners and coaches that scores will be returned to normal as soon as humanly possible.

"We tried rebooting and restarting. We tried Norton and Symantec. I even whacked the computer a few times." stated League Technology Director Steve Jobs.

League Statistician Bill Gates added that "Right now we're combing the local Junior High Schools in the area to find an expert who can fix our stuff."

Local area Junior High Schools had no comment.

 
  
Pronto team member enjoys partying on stage with Jimmy Buffett and Ms. Widow. The wild partying did not affect Pronto's ability to kick tailfeathers on the field.

 
Party Scheme Fails
Well, Pronto continues its domination of the league and the Parrotheads were no help. Ms. Widow, team owner, announced that she was very disappointed that the game plan against they used against Pronto was a failure.
“Knowing their talent pool exceeds ours, we invited them to the pre-game Buffett concert and included backstage passes. We hoped those hours of partying, drinking and singing would cause some players to be unable to participate in the game. We were truly hoping that enough players would remain at the post concert parties that Pronto would be forced to forfeit. We were relying on reduced playing ability if they could actually take the field.”
However, it turned out that the Parrotheads took their hosting responsibility a little too seriously. Several Parrothead players never arrived at Arachnophobia stadium for the game. Those that did show up played abysmally. Instead of being filled with Gatorade, all the sideline coolers were filled with Margaritas which only compounded the problem.
“We did see Pronto play worse than they have in the past. Unfortunately, we did, too. So the net result was a wash. Some players did play outstanding games, but it just wasn’t enough to overcome the Apes. In fact, our back up quarterback had a great game, but he showed up at the wrong stadium and helped the Tarantula High School Junior Varsity team stomp the snot out its opponent, the Slugs.”
Another week, another Pronto win and another Parrothead loss. The team seemed to be performing better back when they were the Spiders. Could this be the end of the Parrothead tour? Ms. Widow has stated that she will be considering the long term plans for the team, but nothing has been decided yet. The players are reluctant to give up their Aloha shirts, Captain Morgan and cheeseburgers, but have vowed to abide by the decisions of management. “We’re a family here. We’ll do whatever it takes to stick together through wins and losses,” stated one player. The others all agreed.

 
Prison Camp in Which Commies Players Were Held for the Last 44 Days Without Food, Fox Sports or the Sopranos.

 
Commies Held Captive
The Commies coaching staff couldn't figure out why the team that won the Tutter Trophy last year was doing so miserably this year. "We kept thinking to ouselves, 'why isn't the team showing up this season?' then we realized that they literally were not showing up." That's when the Commies hired Hollywood PI Anthony "the tapper" Pelicano who quickly determined that the Commies players were being held captive in a plexiglass box suspended from a crane over the Thames River in London. "They were right there in plain sight" said a handcuffed Pelicano as sheriff's deputies took him away. How the entire Commies team was lured into a plexiglass box hooked to a crane is still unclear. Fortunately, once they were found, the Commies most recent tailback, the 60 foot centerfold, was able to release the entire team, Now that they have been released, the Commies are expected to play better than they have over the last 44 days. Stay Tuned.

 
  
New Johnson GM Dr. Seuss Has Named Cat N. Hat as the Teams New Headcoach

 
Johnson's Name Seuss
The Johnsons announced today that they had hired Dr. Seuss as their new General Manager and Seuss, in turn, wasted no time naming Cat N. Hat as the teams new head coach. The move explained the Johnson's starting line-up of Daft, Gash and Suggs, Sump, Skaggs and Gooch, Grau, Kopp and the Jets.

"I'm just relieved they aren't starting a fox in socks," commented John Madden who will be calling this weeks game against the Commies. "I'm already worried my tongue will go numb by the second half."

Numb is the team's reserve tight end for the game.

 
  
Johnsons' New Players Huddle

 
WONKA HIRED
In still another now almost unsurprising move, the Brothers Johnson have hired yet another head coach and have replaced the majority of their players.

New Head Coach William Wonka has come out of virtual seclusion in his candy factory headquarters to try and lead the team to their elusive first win.

Players have reportedly been recruited and imported from mysterious Loompaland, and are said to be 'extremely grateful' for being rescued from the native snozwanglers and vernicious knids. Though because of their diminutive size, Wonka says he feels it is only fair to allow the team to field all the players on the team.

Wonka has an unusual step in hiring his coaching staff;. At every Johnsons' game from now on there will be seven golden tickets hidden in chocolate bars; the lucky finders of the tickets will be brought to the field in a great glass elevator and will serve as the assistant coaches for that game.

"But then again finding the tickets may not be so lucky." hinted Wonka, smiling at the Oompa Loompas in training camp. "We all know what happens to bad little coaches who lose."

At which point the Oompa Loompas responded by chanting 'Oompa Loompa Doompity Doo' over and over and over . . . .

 
  
Weasel Bra, Hindenburg wreckage and the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything

 
PANTY RAID!
Brenda Star, our investigative reporter, has come up with additional insight into the strange case of the Weasel Bra. It seems that the Weasels discovered the Commies had hired a 60-foot tailback and sent the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything to spy on the signing. It seems that the new acquisition got a little tipsy at her signing party and discarded most of her clothing. Being frat members in the 50s the Pirates knew exactly what to do. Shouting “panty raid!!”, they descended on the scene and absconded with the bra the newly signed Commie had left behind. How the three managed to get it back to Weasel Town is still a mystery. When Thud Bear heard the results of the mission, he decided to use the bra during the announcement of his new female offensive coordinator and offensive team. It would be a great vehicle for that news conference and would let the Commies know that he knew they had a new tailback and exactly who she was. Too enhance the news conference’s statement that the Weasels had gone coed and to insure the new Commie would not wear the bra again, Bear had Weasels patches sewn on each cup. Things went downhill from there as reported here in two previous stories. When sighted downtown near the now famous location of the bra and the destroyed Hindenburg, the Pirates were asked to comment on the story. Larry answered, “How does that fit with our name, The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything?” and walked off smirking. Since a bra this size is not readily available it is assumed that the Commie tailback will be playing braless this week against the Weasels. How that will affect her play or that of the Weasel defense is only speculation. Watching tonight’s match up should be very interesting in more ways than one

 
  
Coach Kim Argues with Referee

 
TFKATH CLAIMS FOUL!
After losing to Pronto last weekend on the challenge and controversial reversal of an interception during the final 3 minutes of the game, the B-team coaching staff of TFKATH appealed to the Commissioner with claims that there was bias on the part of the referees during the game.

"It was blatantly obvious the umpires and referees were leaning toward one team during this game," argued Coach Kim Jong Il, who was ejected from the sidelines after a heated argument over the call with Head Referee Bedtime F. Bonzo.

"There is absolutely no truth to the assertions of the TFKATH staff," responded Line Judge K. Kong. "It is ridiculous to think that any referee would endanger his reputation for integrity and impartiality simply to assure world conquest and the complete domination of humankind by his simian descendents."

Pronto owner Caesar stated that he would wait for and abide by the decision of the Commissioner, but reminded Commissioner Drummond that he "knew where he lived."

 
  
Professor Szalinski with his shrinking machine

 
SMALLER BRA
In the latest installment of the Weasel Bra story, Weasel Owner, Thud Bear, hired Professor Wayne Szalinski to solve the problem of how to remove the bra from the center of downtown Weasel Town. Dr. Szalinski is the inventor of a machine to shrink objects to approximately 1/1000th of their original size.

Since the Weasel Bra is believed to be a 42000 D1000, it would become a 42 D after being shrunk. But more importantly, it would then be small enough to be carried away without special equipment. There is little doubt the machine functions as advertised, since Professor Szalinski has, on separate occasions, inadvertently shrunk his children, himself and his wife. On the other hand, the machine is also used to return objects to their original size. This function was accidentally used in one instance to increase the size of an object that had not been shrunk, namely Professor Szalinski’s youngest son.

The problem with using the shrinking machine was that it had never been tested on something as big as the Weasel Bra. Dr. Szalinsk was not sure if he could increase the coverage area to include the whole bra and, if he could, how that would affect other objects that would now be in the line of fire. If he could not increase the coverage enough, he was unsure of his ability to shrink the bra a section at a time.

The event was scheduled for 6am on Monday. Downtown was again evacuated and the machine activated. Not only did it reduce the bra; it shrunk the entire downtown section of Weasel Town along with the wreckage of the Hindenburg. Taking advantage of this side effect, Thud Bear had his cleanup crews remove not only the bra but also the remains of the Hindenburg and the debris from the destroyed buildings. He then had Professor Szalinski return downtown to its original size.

Thud Bear was reported to have said, “This was far better than I had hoped. Not only did we get the bra removed, but downtown is now ready for restoration, all with minimum time, effort and money.”

There was a rumor the Bothers Johnson were planning to hire Professor Szalinski to increase the size of the Oompa Loompas to make them more competitive in their game against the Weasels this week. But Thud has put Szalinski on retainer to ensure that does not happen. When asked what would happen to the bra, Thud Bear said, “We obviously can’t return it to its owner since it is much too small for her now. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

 
  
German Newspaper Reveals that the Ex-Former Commies Have Lured Lenin Out of Retirement to Lead the Communist Resurgence. Lenin is Shown Here Napping After the East German Press Conference.

 
Erstwhile Ex-Former
"Over my dead body" new Commie Head Coach/GM was quoted as saying when told that Communism was dead. And with that, Lenin ordered the rebuilding of the Berlin Wall, the return to the hammer and sickle symbol and the squelching of all personal freedoms and private property ownership in Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union. "While it may be too late for this type of discipline to save the Commies' this season, it is expected to pay dividends in future seasons" noted Igor Tass though his Communist Party interpreter. Lenin is reportedly looking for qualified assistant coaches and is said to have KGB scouts interviewing prospects in North Korea, Cuba and the other 1 or 2 remaining communist countries. If that does not pan out, Lenin of thinking of asking former Communist Leaders Stalin, Kruschev and Tito to similarly come out of retirement. Stay Tuned.

 
Weasel Cheerleaders showing off their new uniforms.

 
NEW UNIFORM
In what should be the final episode in the Weasel Bra story, Thud Bear announced that he was having the small sized Weasel Bra duplicated and it will become a part of the Weasel cheerleader’s uniforms. Thud stated, “After all the controversy over their uniforms, I thought it was a good idea to use the bras as a way to stifle some of the criticism. We added the bras and changed from the bunny logo to the weasel logo. We have also downsized the squad to six, partly because of the defection of some of the team to Pronto and partly for economic reasons. After the disaster with the original Weasel Bra a lot of downsizing was necessary.” When asked if he felt his team would be looking past the Whatever-Their-Current-Name-is to the playoffs, he answered, “We still need to play our best and win this week. If the New Buffs lose and we win, we are the division champions and get a bye the first week of the playoffs. That is important because of all the injuries we have had. It gives us a chance to get healthy.” Another question was asked concerning the rumor going around that Thud had used some of his contacts in the Defense Department, particularly Dream Land, to provide the Ex-Former Commies with advanced weapons for use against the New Buffs. “The rumor of my involvement with Dream Land seems to come up every year. Last year it was the Weasel Razor. Now this year it’s advanced weapons to help the Ex-Former Commies defeat the New Buffs. This years rumor has no more truth in it than last years.” was Thud’s answer. This answer left knowledgeable reporters with even more questions, since they remember that the Commies did lose to the Weasels last year because of an epidemic of razor burn. Further questions on this subject went unanswered.

 
  


 
Commies #1
To the surpise of all but computer geeks, the Commies were named the number one team in the Big Blue House this week. While they have lost most of their games on the field, their strength of schedule combined with the computer rating system edged them into the number one slot ahead of the Buff's Weasels and Pronto. "If the Commies' coaching rating had been a bit higher, they would be guaranteed a slot in the playoff's and may have even clinched the Tutter Trophy again," said BcS spokesperson Joe Isuzu, Mr. Isuzu vehemently denied the existence of any controversy related to the computer ratings used by the BcS. "They're computers, they don't make mistakes!" insisted Mr. Isuzu. But many sports commentators have their doubts, particularly since the equations and mathamatical formula's used by the 7 BcS computers remains a secret. "I mean, you have to be a little suspicious when one of the computers is called 'Albert and Chance's Power Ranger/Transformer Computer Ranking System.' I mean that sounds like some kid's computer game, not a legitimate ranking system," exclaimed Joe Theisman. The Commisioner has vowed to look into the controversy, but may not be able to change the Commies' Number One ranking or fix the overall BcS system until next year. Stay Tuned.

 
  
Graphic Representation of the Playoffs

 
Playoffs Set
The season is over; the playoffs begin.

Using the complicated yet accurate ACPRTCRS (Albert and Chance's Power Ranger/Transformer Computer Ranking System), the League has set the playoff berths. As usual there will be a winner division and a loser division., with the losingest team from the winner division dropping down into the second round of the loser division in order to complete the playoffs in that division. Clear?

In the Winner division, Gonzo division leader Pronto will play at Fozzy division leader New Buffs in an exhibition game. The League was originally planning on letting the teams have a bye, but are hoping this meaningless game will cause enough injuries to key players to make the remainder of the playoffs more interesting.

Continuing in the Winner playoffs, Kermit division leader Bunions will host weak wild card Purple Dinos, while in the true Wildcard playoff TFKATH will try to continue their current losing streak in Weaseltown.

In the Loser Division playoffs, Loser leader Yobwoc will host the Unlucky Bastards (which is the equivalent of a bye) and will face the team with the worst record in the second round. Nicksters will host the Commies, while the Parrotheads will play in Fishville.

In the second round Winner division, regardless of the outcome of their game against each other, New Buffs will play the wild card with the worst record while Pronto will face the wild card with the best record.

The losers from the first Wildcard game in the Winner division will play each other in a meaningless token game in the second round of playoffs to see who has to move into the Loser Division in the last game of the season.

The two losers from the first Wildcard game-- including the Bastards--in the Loser division will play each other in a an absolutely meaningless parody of a game in the second round of playoffs to determine who really is the saddest team in the League. This will mean that one team in the Loser division, in spite of the fact that it lost in the first round, will actually move on into the second round of play in the Loser playoffs. Are we clear so far?

Then they'll be a whole bunch of other games culminating in the Big Blue Bowl. Trust me.

 
  
Team members prepare to board after a concert. Dr. Emmett Brown makes some final tests to the modified bus.

 
WHAT PLAYOFFS??
The Parrotheads were surprised to find out that they are headed for the play-offs. With a 4-10 record they really didn’t think they had any chance to move on to post-season play and the possibility of winning the Tutter Trophy.
“I just didn’t have the heart to tell them that we are in the losers division and the Tutter Trophy is out of our reach. But if this helps the team rally and play more effectively together, then who am I to argue,” stated Ms. Widow in phone interview. “Hell, with the ACPRTCRS convoluted scientific formulas for ranking the teams, we just may have a shot after all. Besides, the cheerleaders have informed me that part of the negotiations for the return of the Tutter Trophy include creating a permanent home for it here in The Parlor. The winning team will be allowed to come visit it any time and we’ll even offer them a 10% discount on admission to the Tutter Trophy Shrine we are planning to build.”
Team members are excited about post-season play, but are hoping it doesn’t interfere with their concert schedule. “We planned out the best places to see Buffett based on the season being over for us. Our team bus is gassed up and ready to go. Keith Partridge, our new team driver, has assured us that we will be able to maintain both schedules with no problem,” stated a member of the public affairs staff.
“This bus has gotten me and my family to a lot of concerts in the past. I’m just glad to see it being put to good use again. I’ve made some modifications to the engine to speed up our trips. With the help of a great mechanic, Dr. Emmett Brown, this bus can practically allow the team to be in two places at one time,” noted Mr. Partridge. “It’s very new technology. I can give out any details.”
We’ll just have to wait and see how the Parrotheads do on their upcoming games. Who knows how they’ll react when they find out the BIG BLUE BOWL is not a possibility? What is this new technology that will allow the team to play and attend concerts in two separate cities? How will they be rated by the ACPRTCRS when it is all said and done? Why does the team keep singing, “Come on, get happy!” everywhere they go? Will this annoying chant prove to be a distraction to the Fishheads in the upcoming game? This reporter will keep you informed. Meanwhile, pass the Captain Morgan’s.

 
Bear with Cheerleaders

 
BEAR INTERVIEW
Our investigative reporter, Brenda Star, managed to catch Thud Bear in his office during a “business” meeting with the Weasel cheerleaders. Thud said that they were discussing the future of the squad including salaries, uniforms and other important matters related to their duties.
The cheerleaders mostly giggled.
When asked how he felt about the season now that they were out of the playoffs, he stated, “I am happy with the way we played during the season. We had some bad games, but with an 11-3 record, we managed to come up with enough points to win most of the time. We just don’t seem to have the ability to handle the stress of the playoffs. We’ll have to work on that next year.”
He also commented on the future of the league by saying, “I’m not too sure about this Lenin guy the Commies have hired. I’ve heard bad things about him. The Commies seem to have this “rule the world” mentality that is worrisome. I like the laid back attitude of the Parrotheads. The Apes of Pronto are still a very formidable force. And even though we managed to beat them they are still in the playoffs and we’re not. And TFKATH has come out of nowhere to become one of the powerhouses of the league, along with the New Buffs. We’ll have our work cut out for us next year.”
On a more serious note, Bear was asked again about the rumors that he had provided the Commies with special equipment designed at Dreamland for their game with the New Buffs. “If I did, I must not have gotten the right stuff since the Commies lost to the Buffs, leaving us with a wild card berth instead of the division championship.”
At this point Bear said he needed to get back to the cheerleaders and had security escort Brenda out of his office. Stay tuned; Ms Star has hinted that she is in the process of acquiring evidence that Thud did supply special equipment to the Commies before their game with the New Buffs


 
  
B-Team Demonstrates Motivation

 
TFKATH LOSES!
The notorious B-Team hired by TFKATH management, the Loser Klowns, was finally able to return to their losing ways in the championship playoff this weekend.

"After 9 straight wins, we were despairing of ever getting this team back on track," said Head Coach Gray Davis. "Then we had that terrific 2-loss streak and we thought we had managed to turn the team around, but somehow we made it to the playoffs. It was tremendously disappointing."

"We finally turned to Motivational Speaker Lavrenti Beria," added Offensive Line Coach Al Gore. "He came highly recommended by the Ex-Former Commies. His solution was simple: threaten to shoot any player scoring in double digits."

The Beria method seems to have worked wonders on the team, which was actually outscored by every team in the BIg Blue House--including the Johnsons.

"It isn't often a 10-5 playoff team ranked #2 in the power rankings can lose this badly in a championship game." commented Special Teams Coach Kim Jong Il. "We are certainly proud of the players--at least those we haven't executed."

This marks the 5th year in a row the team has made the playoffs without winning a championship; it remains to be seen whether TFKATH can actually finish the season on an even lower note by losing the last game of the season.

 
  
The Parrotheads' quarterback looks completely confused by the safety that resulted from him tripping over a stray helmet. The safety was a game winner.

 
Parrotheads Champs!!
In an unfortunate turn of events, the Parrotheads mistakenly think they are the winners of the Big Blue Bowl. As was previously written, Parrothead owner, Ms. Widow, hired Dr. Emmett Brown to modify the team bus, thus allowing them to be at Jimmy Buffett Concerts and play in their post-season games simultaneously. Dr. Brown entered the wrong date into the time machine, um, bus’s navacomputer and took them back to the very first Big Blue Bowl ever played.
The Big Blue Bowl was an exciting game that came down to the last 45 seconds on the clock. After a tying touchdown pass, the Parrotheads gained possession of the on-side kick. In a stunning turn of events, the Parrothead threw an interception on their first possession, which was fumbled by the defense, recovered by the Parrotheads, lateraled to several members of the team. Once again, the ball was fumbled and recovered by an opposing team member. He then ran back into the endzone in order to cross the field to exploit an open running lane. In an unpredictable twist to this already outlandish play, the Parrotheads quarterback tripped over a stray helmet lost during the first fumble and landed on the opposing player while he was still in the end zone. The resulting safety ended the game just as the clock struck midnight, I mean ran down. After receiving the Tutter Trophy, Dr. Brown hurried the team onto the bus and returned them to the correct place and time.
Unfortunately for the Parrotheads in the current season, Dr. Brown slightly miscalculated the precise time of their return, so they actually missed their game against the Ex-Former Commies. Since Ms. Widow has been so kind as to lend out several of the Parrothead players to the Parlor Tarantulas, leading them to win the Jr. High State Championship, the Tarantulas dressed out and played against the Commies. As would be expected from a team of 12 year olds being matched up against professional adult players, they were decimated, as the final score shows.
But in a happy ending to this whole bizarre tale, the lawyers have all been called back and A Tutter Trophy is now available to award to this years winner of The Big Blue Bowl. The Ex-Former Commies can keep their trophy until the Commissioner decides to use covert tactics utilizing the New Buffs to seize the trophy (oops, that’s top secret, forget you know about that. There might be an independent counsel named by the team owners to impeach the Commissioner). The Parrotheads have regained some of their team unity and are looking forward to next season, when they will actually have a coaching staff, and are planning on coming up with a new name for their merged tribe (or am I getting confused again. The Gazette Christmas party is swirling around me and I’ve had a few eggnogs.) So for now, the tribe has spoken.

 
  
Commie Backfield with Dreamland blocking backs

 
Bear Helps Commies?
As we indicated in out last story, Brenda Star was in the process of acquiring proof that Weasel owner Thud Bear provided special equipment to the Commies before their game with the New Buffs. This is a picture taken secretly at the Commies training field during the last week of the regular season. It shows the Commies 30-foot tailback being led through the defensive line by three blocking backs that could only have been designed at Dreamland. When confronted with the picture, Bear replied, “I’ve never seen those things before. What makes you think I had anything to do with it?” When it was pointed out that had the Commies beaten the New Buffs, the Weasels would still be in the playoffs and that that sounded like a pretty fair motive. Bear responded, “If I had helped them, they would have won. If they had used them on both offense and defense, like they were told, they would have kept the Buffs from scoring 121 points and probably won.” This information was turned over to the league commissioner. Calls to his office have gone unanswered

 
  
Secret Agentman Terminator Commando Mr. Roboto Arnold 2

 
TUTTER RETURNED!!!
At the behest of his half-brother, the Commissioner, Secret Agentman Terminator Commando Mr. Roboto Arnold 2 risked his life to return the Tutter Trophy from captivity in Pyongyangyangshamalamadingdong city in North Korea before the Big Blue Bowl this weekend.

Arnie 2 successfully fulfilled his quest while romancing a beautiful blond bimbo, outwitting a treacherous criminal mastermind, and simultaneously keeping the body count at around eleventy billion commie ratfinks in order to keep a PG rating.

Arnie himself suffered a severe hangnail and rope burns on his thighs in the ordeal.

The Tutter Trophy is now on display in the Commissioner's Box and will be bestowed upon the winner of this year's championship game between this season's two surprising underdogs: the New Buffs and Pronto.

It is unclear what Arnie 2 will do after the successful completion of his mission; it is rumored he may run for political office somewhere.

Commissioner Drummond's only comment was "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto."

 
  
WELCOME TO THE BIG BLUE HOUSE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!

 
BIG BLUE BOWL V
(League artist's depiction of the titanic struggle for the Tutter Trophy to take place this weekend between Pronto and the New Buffs)

 


 
NEW BUFFS NEW CHAMPS
In a stunning reversal of inevitable temporal and historical causality, the slightly provocative New Buffs eked out a 94 -68 victory over the hyperintelligent apes from the future, Pronto.

HR Pufnstuff--brought in to coach the team after the colossal and confusing purchase buyout transfer trade debt-for-equities swap IPO between the Brothers Johnson and Mr. Rourke under the supervision of the Office of the League Commissioner's Brother-in-Law Fred--was ecstatic that for the first time since the team was founded two years ago it had a winning record.

When asked about his thoughts on winning the Tutter trophy in the championship game, Pufnstuff was quoted as saying: "Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves; those Parrotheads were darn good! Maybe next year."

Pufnstuff was later informed that the Parrotheads spurious (no relation to Steve Spurrier) claim to the title was based solely on repeated viewings of "Back to the Future" while heavily and possibly illegally under the influence, and that his team had, in fact, actually won the trophy in a hard fought battle against Caesar's sinister simians.

"Well, yippee!" stated the master of understatment.

In additional news, the Brothers Johnson--after 16 straight losses by exactly one point--won their last game of the season, sparking violent and chaotic riots all over Johnsonville. There have been reports of automtic weapons fire, looting, and arson--with flames from the devastated town visible for hundreds of miles away and confirmations that police, fire departments, and the national guard have actually joined in the anarchy.

"Well, gosh darn," stated owner Lyndon Johnson. "Let the little fellas get this victory celebration out of their system. Next year we will definitely rock the house!"