So good to see you again!
 

League News

2004/05 Season

When asked to explain why their star didn’t show up for the game, the Weasel front office declined to comment. Never to be deterred, this reported continued to dig for the truth and found it. It seems that Calvin as the running back coach was torn between two options. The first was to play Hobbes in the semi-final game and face the possibility Hobbes would be injured and miss the Tutter Bowl. The second was to sit him out in the hope that the Weasels would make the Tutter Bowl without him. In that case Hobbes would be available to play in the championship game.

The Weasels, along with most of the other teams in the league, have seen a large increase in the injury rate this year, so Calvin was justified in his worries. However, as confirmed by reliable sources, Calvin became fixated with this choice. He lost sleep and became very irritable with the players and other members of the coaching staff. He began having heated arguments with no one over the decision. The day before the game he was found in the locker room at midnight in a brawl with himself. At that point he was placed in a facility where he would be safe. The Weasels then relearned what they had already discovered after hiring Hobbes. A quote from coach Lombardi as reported in an earlier story tells the tale, he said, “We discovered that without Calvin in the vicinity Hobbes tended to become like a rag doll without the fierce spirit and determination required of a good running back, so Calvin has been hired as the running back coach.”

The picture accompanying this story tells the story as no words can. Whether anything can be done before next season to allow Hobbes to return to the team as the outstanding running back he once was is questionable.

Miss Kwan was present at the party and told this reported that she and Mr. Bear had known each other for quite a few years. “With all the goings on in the league while I’ve been gone, I’m not sure I want to be back,” said Mr. Bear. He continued, “I can’t believe all this cleavage gap, women in the dressing rooms, and using sex to keep players (and substitute coaches) from the field. I felt we had extended the box last year when we hired Margaret Thatcher and the all women offensive team. But that was for the good of the sport. Yes, we got into a little trouble over the Weasel Bra and the cheerleader’s uniforms, but that seems trivial compared to what has happened this year. I’m not sure I like the direction the league is headed.”

When asked about his team’s chances in the playoffs, Thud responded, “We seemed to have made a good choice in hiring real football coaches. But we have been here before and never been able to go all the way. We’ll just have to wait and see.” Present at the party beside Miss Kwan were the Weasel GM and his wife, several ex-commissioners, head coach Lombardi, Deputy GM Thatcher, Thud’s cousin Smokey, several other unidentified people and, of course, Thud’s beautiful wife Jessica. One surprise guest was the ex-owner of the Parrotheads (Domentors) Miss Widow with her pet spider

Although there have been rumors that Thatcher would take over as head coach, Bear stated that she would be moving up to deputy GM under ‘The Gipper’. “We are breaking with our tradition and hiring a head coach that actually knows something about football. Based on his resume, he did very well as head coach of a team in some small town in Wisconsin.”

At that point Bear introduced his new head coach, Vince Lombardi.

“We are not totally breaking with tradition as Lombardi has been dead for some time and most of our coaches have either been mythical or dead.” Bear continued, “We are hoping this will solve two problems. The Weasels have made the playoffs every year since they joined the league but have yet to win a single playoff game. We are hoping Lombardi can break this streak. We are also hoping that this will start a trend in the league that will get us out of the current situation where we rely on political nonsense or magic and mysticism to win games. Hopefully this will get us back to the basics, journalism, .. ah, I mean football.”

Coach Lombardi said he was in the process of deciding on his staff and would shortly be announcing his choices at a news conference. When asked for his coaching philosophy, he stated, “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” He then added, “Some people try to find things in this game that don't exist but football is only two things - blocking and tackling.”

Obi-wan Kenobi and R2D2 will return to a time long ago and a galaxy far, far away. There they will be reunited with Darth Vader who was replaced as offensive coordinator in the middle of last season. The general manager, Moses/Taylor, is stepping down for health reasons. The entire BORG defensive unit is leaving to pursue “other, more important goals”, according to the news release put out by their spokesman Lore. S

pecial teams coach Delbert McClintock has been called away by the homeland security forces. Evidentially there is a rumor of a terrorist spider attack that has caused an increase in the alert status to magenta or possibly as high puce. The only remaining member of last years coaching staff, offensive coordinator Margaret Thatcher, is rumored to be the prime candidate for the position of head coach. Her mentor, “The Gipper”, has also been rumored to be in consideration for the general manager post.

When asked about these rumors, Thud Bear would make no comment. Bear did state that with the acquisition of the newly renamed Dementors by Lara Croft and Harry Potter, he felt this change in coaching staff may have been premature. He had put this team together to handle the “dark forces” and when the decision was made to release the staff it was felt that that had been accomplished. Now he may have to rethink that.

After leaving the news conference several of the reporters commented on the fact that Bear’s new office seemed vaguely familiar but they couldn’t quite put their finger on what it was. Maybe it was the fact that it was more circular than square