It's very cold at the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital in Korea, and Captain Hawkeye Pierce needs new boots. Hawkeye and his friend, Trapper John McIntyre, go to see Supply Sgt. Zale.  Zale has limited supplies on hand, but will issue Hawkeye new boots if Pierce and McIntyre can get his broken tooth fixed. The camp dentist, Dr. Futterman, has a love affair with Japan and wants a pass to Tokyo. If he gets it, he'll fix Zale's tooth. Head Nurse Captain Houlihan has evaluated the medical care at the camp, and is ready to write a very nasty report to General Mitchell criticizing the 4077th's commanding officer, Colonel Henry Blake. Blake will issue the pass to Futterman if Pierce and McIntyre can get Houlihan to change her report.  Houlihan tells the guys she'll stop the report if they throw a surprise birthday party for her boyfriend, Major Frank Burns. Hawkeye and Trapper go to the camp's chief clerk, Radar O'Reilly, to get him to order a birthday cake. Radar agrees, but only if they can arrange a date for him with Nurse Murphy. Murphy is willing to go along with that, but only if she gets a hair-dryer. The only dryer Pierce and McIntyre can find belongs to the camp cross-dresser, Corporal Klinger. Klinger wants to get out of the army.  He tells them he will give them the hair dryer if Hawkeye and Trapper can get four officers to sign the Section Eight papers to declare him crazy so he can be discharged and go home; with Pierce, McIntyre, and Blake signing, they only need Burns' signature to complete the deal. Pierce and McIntyre throw the party, but even under the influence of alcohol and good feelings Burns refuses to sign Klinger's Section Eight papers. The whole chain reaction comes undone, and everyone takes back their possessions and promises.

Captain Hawkeye Pierce	Captain Trapper John McIntyre	Sgt. Zale	Dr. Futterman	Colonel Henry Blake
Major Margaret Houlihan	Corporal Radar O'Reilly	Nurse Murphy	Corporal Klinger	Major Frank Burns